Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Baby It's Cold Outside !

The weather gods must be confused. Florida is "the sunshine state". Id est? Uh...warm weather, especially during the winter? It has hovered around 40 degrees for two straight nights and with the wind, the chill factor is even lower. I'm not pretending it's a blizzard, but it's cold enough that my Christmas ornaments are frozen to my leg.

People who live in the north have been conditioned over the years to dress warmly when leaving home. The reason, of course, is that over the years, those who didn't dress warmly perished or at the least, froze their asses off. Northern wise men and women have passed this important information down from generation to generation.

In Florida, we don't pass down this information about cold weather because we usually don't have to deal with it. That and the fact that most Floridians have Old Timer's disease and we've already forgotten about last year's cold spell. This is why every winter, a cold front comes through and we all get caught out at night in tee shirts and shorts and freeze our proverbial asses off.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." The best way to make the cold winter go fast is to sign a note in October that becomes due in six months.

Tonight's Florida weather forecast: Dark, continuing mostly dark throughout the night and leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning.

This cute Christmas video comes to me via my pal, Linda In Washington.

The News As I See It: WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange turned himself in to police in England yesterday. When the judge asked him where he lived, he said he didn't want to give out that information. Now he wants to withhold information?

The Bush-era tax cuts for the wealthy will continue thanks, to the courage of a strong republican leader, Barack Obama. In fact, Obama changed his slogan from "yes, we can" to "yes, we cave." I’ll give you an idea how bad it is for him now. Now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.

This year, you have to be careful of political correctness, especially around Christmas. You can’t call them "Santa’s elves" anymore. They’re "undocumented little people."

Because of a printing error, a billion new $100 bills have to be destroyed. They’re going to burn $100 billion dollars — just like they did with the last stimulus program.

President Obozo’s pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true, thanks to WikiLeaks.

Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson.

This Date In History: 1854; Pope Pius IX proclaimed the dogma of the Immaculate Conception. 1886; The American Federation of Labor was founded at a convention of union leaders in Columbus, Ohio. 1941; Congress declared war on Japan and the U.S. entered World War II.

1949; Communist attacks forced the Chinese Nationalist government to flee to the island of Formosa (Taiwan). 1978; Former Israeli prime minister Golda Meir died. 1980; John Lennon, former member of the Beatles, was shot and killed in New York City by a deranged fan.

1987; President Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev signed the first treaty to reduce the nuclear arsenals of the two superpowers. 1993; President Bill Clinton signed The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) into law.

Picture Of The Day: On this date in 1980, John Lennon was assassinated by Mark David Chapman, a man, who had he been born a common animal, would have eaten by his mother in the manner of that nature prescribes that the weak shall perish. Instead, Chapman prevailed and ended the life of a fine person, writer, musician and singer. The world is a sorry state when innocent people are injured or murdered due to mistakes of nature. Rest in peace, John.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. 2) It was so cold in Miami yesterday, my lawyer had his hands in his own pockets. 3) You know you're getting old when about half the stuff in your shopping cart says, "For fast relief." 4) Christmas time during the era of the Roman empire: Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping. 5) Christmas Senile Dementia is defined as walking in a winter wonderland miles from your house in your slippers and robe......and that's five !

Birthdays: Mary, Queen of Scots, queen 1542, Christina, queen of Sweden 1626, Eli Whitney, American inventor 1765, William C. Durant, manufacturer 1861 Aristide Maillol, sculptor 1861, Jean Sibelius, composer 1865, Diego Rivera, painter 1886.

James Thurber, humorist 1894, Lee J. Cobb, actor 1911, Sammy Davis, Jr., singer, actor 1925, David Carradine, actor 1936, Jim Morrison, rock musician 1943, Kim Basinger, actress 1953, Teri Hatcher, actress 1964, Sinead O'Connor, singer, songwriter 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. He moaned, "Tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

She replied in a voice oozing with scorn, "Even worse. You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing everyone at the party and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." The man said, "He's an asshole, piss on him." His wife said, "You did and he fired you." The man said, "Well, screw him!" His wife replied, "I did. You go back to work on Monday."

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in.

The Irishman says, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies, "Get out. You're in my side."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." The son asked, "Onions?" The father replied, "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom , how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." The daughter asked, "A Christmas tree?" Her mother answered, "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are there for decoration only!"

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you." But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.

Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.

Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."

Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only one, God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

That's it for today my little missile toes. Remember, a gentleman is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

I'm freezing and just put on two pairs of socks! Super cold for South Florida. I gave in and turned the heat on.

Hugs, Rose

Paula said...

Cute video. John's daughter's goats were hopping around like that today in the cooler weather.

jack69 said...

I am having a hard time deciding who has it best. Father Murphy or the Priest with Guinness on tap.
Just saying.....

Linda's World said...

I love watching that video...those little critters certainly can brighten a day. Yup, you'd freeze here in Washington during the winter. However, we have a balmy
47* here tonight...

garnett109 said...

Thanks for posting the video it cheered me up!
Jimmy my ass does not freeze until it reaches at least 0 in pa.

Joann said...

Loved the goat video!!! That was SOOO CUTE!!!!