I Can't Dial 911 Because There's No 11 On My Phone

I got a new BlackBerry cell phone yesterday. I got fed up with my LG touch screen on Wednesday, so I called AT&T and they shipped me the BlackBerry yesterday. The reason I dumped the LG is that I couldn't really see the screen outside in daylight hours and it was basically useless in those conditions.

I get along fairly well with computers and electronics, but patience is not one of my biggest virtues. So, I perused the instructions and activated my new BlackBerry. About an hour later, I finally figured how to make a call. If I had taken a little more time reading the instructions, I could have made the call in five minutes.

Nevertheless, I have slowly but surely got a grasp on how the BlackBerry works and I'm quite pleased with it thus far. Granted, at this point in time, I can only make calls, send texts and take pictures, but quite frankly, the rest of what the phone has to offer is just gravy. It took me a while to get accustomed to the LG and I'm sure it will take me a few weeks to totally grasp how the Blackberry works. In the interim, at least I can see what I'm doing in the sunlight.

The News As I See It: The Secret Service is very concerned about keeping our nation's secrets from any future WikiLeaks spies so they're going to store them where President Obama stores his college transcripts and birth certificate.

A recent report reveals that the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place.

According to a recent poll, the majority of women say they don’t need presents and they just look forward to spending time with their mates on Christmas. Look out, guys, it’s a trick.

WalMart is now considering selling wine from vending machines. As a precaution, the machine requires that you swipe your drivers license first. If you're buying wine from a vending machine, what are the odds you still have a drivers license?

Odds and Ends: New York City taxi drivers are being told to start racially profiling their passengers. They’re supposed to report anyone that looks like them. Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone hidden underneath his prison mattress. Guards became suspicious after Manson started wearing a Bluetooth earphone.

This Date In History: 1816; Indiana became the 19th state. 1844; Nitrous oxide was used for the first time in dentistry. 1936; King Edward VIII abdicated the throne of Britain for the woman he loved, Mrs. Wallis Simpson. 1941; Germany and Italy declared war on the United States.

1946; The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established. 1994; Russian troops invaded Chechnya in an unsuccessful attempt to restore Moscow's power in the region. 1997; Housing secretary Henry Cisneros was indicted for conspiracy, obstructing justice, and false statements to the FBI.

Picture Of The Day: My pal, Dutch, sent me this rare picture of the future Beatles taken in 1957. I've never seen this one before and I though you might like to see it as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros. 2) Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village. 3) How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 4) Practice safe snacking. Always use condiments. 5) Someone once said that love makes the world go 'round. Well, I just had to laugh in their face because, everyone knows that what makes the world go 'round is a mutant gerbil on a treadmill.......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person.

Birthdays: Sir David Brewster, physicist and natural philosopher 1781, Louis-Hector Berlioz, composer 1803, Robert Koch, bacteriologist 1843, Annie Jump Cannon, astronomer 1863, Fiorello Henry LaGuardia, mayor of New York City 1882, Naguib Mahfouz, novelist 1911, Carlo Ponti, producer 1912, Willie Mae Thornton, blues singer 1926, John F. Kerry, politician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, because they are so sour they make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. The pharmacist asked, "How many do you want?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The old fellow said, "It doesn't matter. I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't piss on my shoes."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals, Pat in the U.K., Dutch and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

An old man was at the mall one other day eating at the food court. He noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Yeah, I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Two elderly gentlemen, Johnny and Jack, were sitting on a bench under a tree when Johnny turns to Jack and says, "Jack, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Jack says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." Johnny says, "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" Jack says, "Yep, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants."

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" The other one replied, "He said we have to sit on the sofa." The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." The deaf sister said, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He says we have to squeeze together." So they wiggled up close to each other.

The photographer said "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." The deaf sister asked, "What did he say?" Her sister answered, "He says he just going to focus?" The deaf twin shouted out, "Oh my God! Both of us?"

That's it for today my little nanny goats. Remember, as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !