Happy Halloween

Halloween is tomorrow and I always enjoy seeing the little kids dressed in their costumes. I'm referring to the wee, little ones, three to seven or eight years old. Half of those kids, at that age, have no idea what's going on but they soon learn to equate Halloween with free candy. The adults, on the other hand, are something else. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called "Blackula." Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called "Dick Cheney."

Last Saturday, I went to one of the local AREA 51 watering holes having no idea that the were having a Halloween party. Most of the women were exquisite but the men's costumes were really lame. It's bad enough that they even dressed in costumes but you would hope they might have had a little imagination.

We used to have Halloween parties when I was married, but I hate to wear costumes. My wife complained so much that eventually, I figured out a way to wear a costume without wearing a costume. Since I like to dress in dark colors, I wore black pants and a black shirt and fashioned a white collar out of the box where I bought the shirt. I put on a grey suede jacket, et voila, "Father Jimmy." This ruse proved rather useful after my divorce as I wore that costume to many Halloween parties and "saved" many females.

At one of our Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My ex-mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked "Where is the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

The News As I See It: The University of Chicago wants to house the Barack Obama Presidential Library. It will be just like George W. Bush’s library, except it will have books. Bush gave a motivational speech in Florida yesterday. He spoke for a half-hour and said he hoped his words were “inspirationistic.” Bush is really good at motivating. Last year he motivated everyone to vote for Obama. Police in Dallas stand accused of giving traffic tickets to motorists who did not speak English. If they did that in California they could balance the state budget in a week.

President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. In a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban. Former President George W. Bush is going to India tomorrow to give a speech. The speech will be entitled, “Hey, Which of You Snake-Charmers Is Gonna Fix My Computer?”

The Swine Flu scare is an easy excuse for cunning students with a little sense. The fact is that more people die from the common flu than the Swine Flu, but if I was a teenager, I'd be oinking like there's no tomorrow on those cold school days that are passed much easier in bed.

Is That A Ferret In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? It's one thing for shoplifters to hide plunder in their pants. But a live ferret? Police say a homeless man in Jacksonville Beach, Florida did just that. And he made it out the door before being challenged.

Thirty-eight-year-old Rodney Bolton is charged with theft over the $129 animal that police say he took from a pet store in Jacksonville Beach. A 17-year-old witness confronted Bolton in the parking lot and was bitten by the animal after the man allegedly shoved it in the teen's face. That confrontation makes the ferret a "special weapon" under Florida law, so Bolton also faces battery charges for dangerously wielding a ferret.

I would like to sincerely thank all of my readers for their kind words and comments about my nephew, Jonathan Sullivan. His parents, brothers and sisters, and all of our families are deeply touched by your kind response.

This Date In History: 1831; Escaped slave Nat Turner is apprehended in Southampton County, Virginia, several weeks after leading the bloodiest slave uprising in American history. 1925; In his London laboratory, John Logie Baird transmits the first-ever television pictures of a moving image.

1938; Orson Welles stirs panic across the United States of America with his War of the Worlds radio dramatization. 1961; At the Novaya Zemlya archipelago, the Soviet Union detonates a 58-megaton thermonuclear bomb, which at about 2,900 times the size of the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima in 1945 is the largest-ever nuclear weapon to be tested.

Picture Of The Day: Halloween pictures are always fun and this Halloween is no exception. There were so many good Pictures available that I'm going to post some more on my other blog. "Jimmy's Journal - The Original." You can find the link on my sidebar. If. by chance they're not yet posted, stop by a little later.

I'm not sure of who the top picture is supposed to be but it did remind me that I haven't gotten my tickets to Michael Jackson's documentary yet.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say now is is healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the Swine flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out Square dancing across America! 2) Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. 3) Believe it or not, the hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 4) Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no Cash and no Hope. 5) If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John Adams, 2nd president of the United States 1735, Ezra Pound, American avant-garde poet, critic, and translator, who exerted an enormous influence on the development of English and American poetry and criticism in the early 20th century 1885, Peter Warlock, composer, critic, editor, and writer 1894, Louis Malle, French film director 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Anne, Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Then, halfway through the lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. The Professor said, "Young ladies, the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." The young man replied indignantly, "Sir, I'm a college graduate." The manager replied, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that. Here, give me the broom and I'll show you how."

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Were did you get that?" The parrot says, "Chicago, they're all over the place."

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight, now embarrassed that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

A woman was in a coffee shop when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she started to feel better. As she finished her coffee that she noticed that everybody was staring at her. It was then that she remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

That's it for today my little pumpkins. Remember, if you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!" There are Halloween parties galore tonight and I think "Father Jimmy" may have to investigate the flock in AREA 51 tonight. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

In Memory Of My Nephew Jonathan Sullivan

Today is the sixth anniversary of the death of my nephew, Jonathan. It seems like just yesterday that my father, Jonathan, his father Kirt and I, were sitting in my father's living room and shooting the bull. Little Joe, as we called him, was just a toddler then.

Time passed, as time is wont to do and all the kids grew up. Through thick and thin, divorces and the inevitable changes that all families go through, all of the children became healthy adults. Jonathan joined the United States Navy, serving his country like his father and grandfather before him.

Then, I received a phone call one morning from Brother Kirt. He called to tell me that Jonathan had died. A feeling of complete numbness went over my body and I listened while my brother explained the details of Jonathon's death. It felt almost unreal that Jonathan had died. Other than older family members that are taken over time, none of our children or relatives had ever died young.

Sister Jeanne and I drove up to Kirt's home to be with the family and attended the funeral. I was pleased to see all the family and friends that attended the funeral and it made me feel good inside that Jonathan was loved and cared for by so many.

I will reflect today on Jonathn's brief life and be thankful that all my family and especially my children, nieces and nephews are here to enjoy life. My sincere wishes for a wonderful and caring day for Brother Kirt, Jonathan's mother Janet, sisters Sommer, Ashley and Kimberly, and his brothers, Billy and Chance. Rest In Peace, JoJo.

The News As I See It: The Prez has been criticized for only playing sports with other men. Yesterday, he played golf with one of his top female advisers or as Fox News reported it, "Obama plays a round with another woman." Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush played in nearly three years. Bush's handicap is 19. Obama's handicap is Joe Biden.

The White House announced that the government wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his "Cash for Geezers" program." If you're a senior citizen working on Wall Street, then you get $250 thousand. The balloon hoax is still in the news. Usually when there's a hoax involving a balloon, it's some kind of Countrywide Mortgage scam.

Prosecutors in New York City have filed charges against a man they claim scammed dozens of illegal aliens by posing as an immigration lawyer. They say this guy lied to his clients, gave them bad advice and stole their money. Hmm, I don't know, sounds like a real lawyer to me. The ASPCA has now released a list of guidelines and tips if you’re going to dress your pet up in a costume for Halloween. The first tip is, “Get a life.”

Donald Trump’s daughter was married last week at one of her father’s golf courses, and she converted to Orthodox Judaism. Of course, as soon as she became Jewish, she was kicked off the golf course. The Congressional attitude about Obamacare is: To see if your health insurance can save your life or just make it a little better, we need to know if you're a government politician or a common taxpayer.

This Date In History: 1636; The college that would later be known as Harvard University is founded by an act of the General Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony. 1886; The Statue of Liberty is formally dedicated by President Grover Cleveland. 1919; US Congress passes the National Prohibition Act, or Volstead Act, despite President Woodrow Wilson's veto of the previous day, introducing Prohibition.

1962; The Cuban Missile Crisis ends as Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev announces his government's intent to dismantle and remove all offensive Soviet weapons from Cuba. 1998; Poet Laureate Ted Hughes dies at his home in Devon aged 68.

Picture Of The Day: A chimpanzee named Dorothy recently died of natural causes. Dorothy was in her late 40s, which is well into retirement age for a chimp, when she succumbed to heart failure. As caregivers at the Sanaga-Yong Chimpanzee Rescue Center bore her by wheelbarrow for burial, the typically boisterous apes rushed to the edge of their wired enclosure and fell silent.

They stood -- wrapping arms around one another, resting on each other's shoulder and not making a sound -- as Dorothy's female keeper adjusted her head in preparation for a final farewell. Dorothy was a "prominent figure" among the extended family of about 25 chimps at Sanaga-Yong, and the sanctuary's caregivers made sure the other apes witnessed her last rites.

The chimps, united in mourning, remained there as they watched Dorothy's keeper give her a final, loving stroke on her forehead and then lowered her into the ground. The chimps already knew the meaning of deep personal loss.
All of those living at Sanaga-Yong had been orphaned when their mothers were killed by hunters.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm embarrassed to tell you that I discovered that my refrigerator has two large unused drawers at the bottom. The fact that they are transparent and you can see that they're obviously empty never dawned on me. As it turns out, that is where one would store vegetables. Please remember to visit me at the AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill. 2) If you choke a Smurf, I wonder what color does it turn? 3) Bigamy is one wife too many. Come to think about it, so is monogamy. 4) It's important to look out for #1, and not to step in #2. 5) I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My daughter, Jeannie. Actually, her birthday is tomorrow, so this birthday wish is a day early. Happy B-Day Sweetheart 19XX, My pal, Lourdes - Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Cornelis Jansen, Flemish theologian 1585, Auguste Escoffie, French chef, and master of the haute-cuisine style of French cookery originated by Marie Antoine Carême 1846, Howard Hanson, American composer 1896, Evelyn Waugh, author of satirical novels 1903, Francis Bacon, painter 1909, Jonas Salk, American doctor and epidemiologist 1914, Cleo Laine, jazz singer 1927, Bill Gates, American business executive 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An older woman, wanting to put more zest into her life, walks into a tattoo parlour and asks "Do you do custom work?" The artists says, "Yes ma'am, we do." The woman says, "Good! I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." The artist says, "Okay, strip from the waist down and get up on the table."

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits, examines the tattoos and says, "That doesn't look like them!" The artist says, "Oh yes it does and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find, who happens to be the town drunk.

The woman spreads he legs and asks the drunk, "Well, what do you think? Do you know who these men are?' The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Frances and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The boy said, "Mom, what are all those women doing ?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work." The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth!? They're hookers, boy. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" His mother says, "Most of them become cab drivers."

** Why Brazil won over Chicago for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games **

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damned teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damned train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damned bike leaning against the damned garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

That's it for today my little chili peppers. Remember, sacred cows make the best hamburgers. Hump Day is upon us and I can't find a better reason to go to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday

Stay Tuned !

"But I Miss You Most Of All, My Darling, When Autumn Leaves Start To Fall"

I haven't been to a movie theater in over thirty years. It's not that I don't enjoy movies, rather, it's the atmosphere of today's movie theaters and its patrons that are a turn off. Dirty theaters, incredibly high ticket and food prices and that certain element of the viewing public that consists of morons who talk during the movie.

It is understandable that movies made for children would have considerably more noise than movies for more mature audiences and that's fine. But when you're sitting in a group of theoretical adults, it's a little disconcerting when a group of idiots begin to talk to the characters on the movie screen. Low IQ notwithstanding, even a chimpanzee can be trained to be quiet. Perhaps bringing a bunch of bananas as pacifier's may be the answer.

Things have changed since the days when my friends and I would ride our bicycles the two miles to the local theater on Saturdays. It was a time of great expectations and we rarely knew what movie was playing. We knew, however, that there would be cartoons, the weekly serial, Movietone news and the feature picture. Some Saturdays there would even be two featured movies.

We parked our bicycles out side (with no locks), bought our tickets (usually less than 25 cents) and went directly to the lobby to purchase a soft drink and popcorn. The total price was generally under one dollar and on the few days that we might have more than a dollar, a hot dog was the popular choice and possibly some candy.

In those days, we quickly learned that excessive or loud talking would quickly draw the ire of the usher, who would immediately shine his flashlight on the offending parties, a bright reminder that loud talking was not permitted in the theater. Should the usher have to reprimand you again, you risked being ejected from the theater. Even we kids were smart enough to realize that loud talking or putting your feet up on the chairs was not worth the risk of being kicked out of the theater.

As for me, when a new movie comes out that interests me, I either rent it or wait until it gets to cable. Aside from an occasional meow from my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway, I watch the movie in virtual silence and a bowl of Orville Redenbacher popcorn.

Speaking of movies, I managed to watch two movies this weekend, a feat in and of itself as I went to AREA 51 both Friday and Saturday, arriving home Sunday morning in the wee hours. It's been a while since I'd seen the paperboy. Although these movies may be old to you, I watched "No Country For Old Men" and "Milk."

No Country For Old Men, starring Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, is based on the acclaimed novel by Pulitzer Prize winner Cormac McCarthy and was adapted for the screen and directed by Joel and Ethan Coen (Blood Simple, Fargo). It tells the story of a botched drug deal and the ensuing cat-and-mouse drama, as three men crisscross each other's paths in the desert landscape of 1980 West Texas.

The film was honored with numerous awards, garnering three British Academy of Film awards, two Golden Globes, and four Academy Awards for Best Picture, Best Director (Joel and Ethan Coen), Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor (Javier Bardem).

The movie fascinated me and is well acted. Javier Bardem was superb in his role as Anton Chigurh, a sociopathic assassin hired to recover drug money, and his character took on a Jason-esque quality (although much more believable than Halloween's Jason). I watched the movie twice and I'm probably going to have to watch it a third time to pick up all the subtleties. Although movie is violent and I would not recommend it for children under seventeen, it was an outstanding movie and easy to see why it garnered so many awards.

Milk is a 2008 American biographical film on the life of gay rights activist and politician Harvey Milk, who was elected to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors. Directed by Gus Van Sant and written by Dustin Lance Black, the film stars Sean Penn as Milk and Josh Brolin as Dan White. The film was released to much acclaim and earned numerous accolades from film critics and guilds. Ultimately, it received eight Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture, winning two for Best Actor in a Leading Role for Penn and Best Original Screenplay for Black.

Although this is not my type of film, I was interested to see why Sean Penn won an Academy Award for his role. I must admit that Penn's performance in the movie was very good, especially since he's a better known for his more defiant macho roles and even his comedic abilities (Fast Times At Ridgemont High). The obvious gay sexual innuendos and mild love scenes were a bit much, but the conflicts and history of that era were pretty much right on.

The ultimate assassinations of County Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone notwithstanding, the in-depth look at the happenings of that era were interesting, including the national agenda of former Florida citrus spokeswoman Anita Bryant and the fight for and against gay rights. One viewing was enough for me, but if you haven't seen the it, Penn's role as Harvey Milk makes the film interesting.

The News As I See It: A Northwest Airlines flight bound to Minneapolis from San Diego overshot the airport by 150 miles. Authorities suspect that the crew and pilot may have dozed off. The crew denies this. In the pilots' defense, the in-flight movie was "The Time Traveler's Wife." No guy can stay up for that. People are already criticizing the Obama administration's decision to cut the pay of the executives at companies that received bailout money. They say this could cause a lot of these guys to quit. Right! I sure wouldn’t want to lose the geniuses who lost us hundreds of billions of dollars.

China has accused Google of copyright infringement claiming Google scanned hundreds of Chinese authors’ work for Google's digital library without their permission. China is so upset they've threatened to stop using Google to illegally download American movies and CDs. That balloon boy incident was so intense, Maria Shriver put down her cell phone while driving, picked up her Sony TV Watchman to watch. It was smart for them to try this balloon stunt while President Obama's in office. That wouldn't have worked with Bush Administration. Cheney would have shot that balloon down.

This Date In History: 1825; The Erie Canal officially opens, providing inland water transportation between the East Coast and the Great Lakes region of North America. 1863; The Football Association, the world’s first such governing body for association football, is formed at the Freemasons’ Tavern, in Great Queen Street, London.

1881; In the “Gunfight at the O. K. Corral”, in Tombstone, Arizona, Marshal Wyatt Earp, and four others, including Doc Holliday, kill three suspected cattle rustlers of the notorious Clanton gang. 1960; Penguin Books go on trial in London accused of publishing pornographic material in the form of Lady Chatterley's Lover, by D. H. Lawrence.

1979; Twelve years into the World Health Organization’s vaccination campaign against smallpox, the last-ever naturally occurring case on Earth is reported in Somalia.

Picture Of The Day: The change of seasons always is a plethora of spectacular scenery and I was hard pressed to narrow my selections down to fit today's entry. Autumn is upon us and I decided that I'd just post some of the marvelous pictures that I have recently seen. One of the things that I learned today was that Autumn is the beginning of the season when the leaves begin to turn from green to the very beautiful array of seasonal colors. Fall describes the time of the season that the trees have lost all of their leaves.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead. 2) I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 3) I often wonder just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven. 4) I don't think you should get married. Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house, it's a lot easier. 5) I think my wild oats are slowly turning into shredded wheat.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Georges Jacques Danton, French Revolutionary leader 1759, Mahalia Jackson, American gospel singer 1911, François Mitterrand, French politician, President of France (1981-1995), the longest-serving French presidential incumbent 1916, Muhammad Reza Shah Pahlavi, shah of Iran 1919, John Arden, playwright 1930, Hillary Clinton, American lawyer, senator and Secretary of State 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. The rabbi said, "Wal-Mart? Why Wal-Mart?" The Old lady said, "Then I'll be sure my daughter will visit me twice a week."

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Garnett, Meg, Nancy and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said. "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had? Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?" Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" The woman said, "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious and asked, "I have never heard of that condition before. Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded and said, "Pepper."

That's it for today my little peppermint patties and patricks. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, try left field. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

If At First You Don't Succeed, Do Something Else !

Did you ever have one of those days? You know, those days when everything you touch seems to turn into proverbial "caca?" Yesterday was one of those days and, oddly enough, it started out pretty well. That is until I decided that I shouldn't fix something that wasn't broken; I couldn't leave well enough alone; I wouldn't let a sleeping dog lie....and so it started.

I was pretty happy yesterday because my business received an overdue check and the timing of it's arrival was excellent. I filled out a deposit form and decided that I'd walk about a block to the branch bank to deposit it. I stopped by the local bakery and had a cup of Cuban coffee on the way.

After making the deposit, I stopped by the bakery again to purchase some pastries and a colada (a large cup of Cuban coffee that can be shared with others or sipped throughout the day.) Entering the house, I put the colada on the kitchen counter and went to the bedroom to change into my slippers. When I got back to the kitchen, the bag containing the Cuban coffee had a wet, black look and I realized that the either the cup had a leak or I set it down wrong. Either way, it was a mess.

Cleaning up sticky Cuban coffee is no easy task and after I cleaned everything, I decided to walk back to the bakery to get another colada. You'd think that a warning light would immediately go off in my head but I was so content that I got that check, I figured, what the hell......it's good exercise.

Returning home with my second colada, I carefully sat it down and poured a little cup for myself. I opened the garbage can and threw the small plastic coffee cup away. Then, I promptly reached for the lid to the colada, turned to place it on the colada and spilled it again. This time, I not only managed to spill it, but I spilled it on my bank deposit book as well.

The moral to the story? If you happen to be an sadistic Irish spastic, don't open Cuban coffee within ten feet of anything or get a kid to do it for you.

The News As I See It: Under the new guidelines issued by the Obama administration, federal agents won't pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana. This new policy is called "Don't ask, don't . . . What was I talking about?" The "balloon boy" saga continues. Authorities have not yet charged the Heenes, but they expect charges to be filed next week. The father’s helium tanks were actually repossessed. I assume they don’t want him flying away before he is arrested.

In the latest news from the Pentagon, the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News. Former Vice President Dick Cheney accused President Obama of "dithering" over the strategy for the war in Afghanistan. Don't confuse that with what President Bush did. That was doodling.

Soupy Sales has passed away at the age of 83. His legend spans all the way back to the '50s and '60s, thanks to "The Soupy Sales Show" and "What's My Line?" Sales died Thursday night at Calvary Hospice in the Bronx, New York. At the peak of his fame in the 1950s and '60s, Sales was one of the best-known faces in the nation. Personally, I remember the countless hours of afternoon fun watching his show. Rest In Peace, Soupy.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (Cat Award) goes to Richard and Mayumi Heene for their asinine antics that could have been far more dangerous if an accident had occurred during the balloon chase. Congratulations to Richard and Mayumi and enjoy your upcoming punishment.

This Date In History: 42 BC; Marcus Junius Brutus, the most senior assassin of Julius Caesar, is defeated by Mark Antony and Octavian at the Second Battle of Philippi, and commits suicide by falling on his own sword. 1642; The Battle of Edgehill, the first major battle of the English Civil War, proves indecisive.

1862; Otto I, the Bavarian-born first king of Greece, is forced to abdicate and return to Bavaria after a revolutionary government takes control in Athens in his absence. 1956; The Hungarian Revolution begins as students and workers demonstrate in Budapest against Soviet domination and Communist rule.

Picture Of The Day: Yes, it was one of those days, but I'm not the only one who's had days like that. Today's pictures bring to mind the old adage "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all." It's so true, my little sea monkeys and just when you though it was safe to go back into the water.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. 2) The only problem I have with sex in the movies is that the popcorn usually spills. 3) I knew a guy who had so many blind dates, they gave him a free dog. 4) The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 5) If you teach your kid to be polite and courteous, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Pierre Athanase Larousse, French grammarian, lexicographer, and encyclopedist 1817, Robert Bridges, poet 1844, Sarah Bernhardt, French actress, who was the best-known stage figure of her time 1844, Gertrude Ederle, cross-Channel swimmer 1906, Michael Crichton, American novelist, film director, and screenwriter 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Bessie said, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" Bessie says, "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. As she pops her eye back in place, she says, "I am so sorry. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time and the next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! Everything had been so incredible! He says,"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " The woman replies, "No, you just happened to catch my eye."

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. The sales clerk said, "Of course, madam,exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

The woman said, "Well, I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."

The clerk asked, "What about your third husband?" The woman replied, "That one was a Democrat and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

That's it for today my little ducklings. Remember, always follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. I'm going to AREA51 for Happy Hour maybe some nude karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I've Been Absent Minded For As Long As I Can Remember

Since I have the memory of a mirror, daily exercise is a breeze. Although I normally try to think out my trips to and from different parts of the house, I inevitably forget something and have to get up again to go get it. The fact is that I have always been a bit absent minded, even when I was younger. Fortunately, in my youth, I had the wherewithal to successfully run my business, as well as being a father and husband.

Realizing that I was absent minded at an early age, I quickly learned that quick decisions without forethought could cause embarrassing moments as well as physical pain. You might think that I learned that because I'm just so damned intelligent, but the fact is, many of the lessons in life I learned the hard way. Look before you leap became my motto at an early age.

Case in point, while on my way to a business meeting years ago, I hurriedly got out of my car in an almost vain attempt to make the meeting on time. As I pushed the car door shut, it instantly dawned on me that I had made a mistake. I realized that the keys were still in the car. One might think that this is only a minor problem and could be resolved after the business meeting. One would think.....

The other problem was that the keys were still in the ignition and yes, the motor was still running. With the age of the cell phone still in the future, my options were; a) Enter the meeting late, explain my plight and lack of intelligence to my fellow business associates and use the phone to call my wife for the spare keys or b) Walk unnoticed the two blocks to the nearest public phone and privately make the call. I chose option "b".

Exercise? Not the way my brain works. I get all the daily exercise I need. I have, however, managed to keep repetitive trips to a minimum and I also carry spare keys for both my car and my house in my wallet. You can't fool me more than 42 times.....

The News As I See It: Halloween’s coming. The big mask this year is the Bernie Madoff mask. Or if you don’t want to spend the money, you can dress up as a homeless person and go as one of his investors. If you get the Bernie Madoff mask, you can bet your kid will come home with 50 billion Tootsie Rolls.

Happy Birthday to Angela Lansbury, who just turned 84. She celebrated at a party until one of her friends was murdered.

Governor Schwarzenegger's wife, Maria Shriver, was photographed violating the law by talking on her cell phone while she was driving. He read about it on his BlackBerry while driving to his office.

I love fall. You can really tell the seasons are changing. That thing on Donald Trump’s head is starting to get its winter coat.

A Southern California immigrant rights group has asked the Target store chain and a costume company to stop selling "illegal alien" Halloween costumes because it is offensive. It seems to me that the only people that should be offended are....uh, illegal aliens? Personally, I am offended that illegal aliens do not feel that they should wait in the immigration line like other law abiding people and if they are offended, I really don't give a shit!

President Obama has been accused of being too slow to appoint new judges. They claim that the only new judges appointed during the Obama presidency are Sonia Sotomayor and Ellen DeGeneres. A study shows that the phrase most often uttered by President Obama is, “Let me be clear.” The phrase he uses least often is, “Let me be specific.” Recently, while in New Orleans helping out the victims of Katrina, Obama was asked, “What do you think of ‘The Big Easy’?” He said, “Oh I just call it the Nobel Peace Prize.”

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CATAward) has one nomination made by two people. Both Joann and Lisa nominated Richard and Mayumi Heene, who allegedly falsely reported that their 6-year-old son had drifted away in a large home-built helium balloon to drum up publicity for a reality TV show. Investigators are poring over e-mails, phone records and financial documents from the home to decide what charges will be filed. It is expected that the investigations will take until next week.

In the interim, since I do not now nor did I ever have any doubt that the balloon boy case was a fraud, we'll still award the Heene family the CAT Award should they win. Should authorities fail to charge the couple, we'll let them keep the award anyway because everyone knows that the only unidentified flying objects worth mentioning are found in AREA 51.

Nominations are open until Friday at 12:00 noon, so if anyone else spots additional unidentified flying, walking or crawling assholes, feel free to nominate them. You can email me at jimsulliv3@aol.com

This Date In History: 1520; Ferdinand Magellan sails from the Atlantic Ocean into the treacherous passage to the Pacific Ocean that is now named after him, the Strait of Magellan. 1805; The Royal Navy, led by Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson, defeats a combined French and Spanish fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar, ensuring British domination of the seas for more than a century.

1858; The light opera, Orpheus in the Underworld, by Jacques Offenbach, famous for its Cancan dancing, premiers in Paris. 1878; The Land League, a political organization important in the history of Irish nationalism, is founded in Dublin with Charles Parnell as its first president. 1879; Thomas Edison successfully tests the first electric light bulb. Prior to this date, when a cartoon character had an idea, a picture of a "candle" was in the enclosed caption over the character's head.

Picture Of The Day: The Heene family fraud launched a barrage of balloon pictures and, of course, I gathered some of the best I could find. This is the first time in weeks that an Obama photoshop picture has not dominated the photoshop world. Fear not, my little honey bees, Between Obama, Biden and Nancy Pelosi, there'll be new pictures after they stumble anew. I'm sure we'll also find some dumb-ass Republican gaffe as well. Ah, politicians....ya gotta hate them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. 2) It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. 3) I really don't mind waking up each day with a little pain. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead. 4) They say that money can't buy happiness, but I've found that it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Hyundai. 5) Do you realize that in about 40 years, There'll be thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Samuel Taylor Coleridge, English poet, critic, and philosopher, who was a leader of the Romantic movement 1772, Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist, inventor, and philanthropist. Nobel's grave was the subject of recent controversy after this year's Nobel Peace Prize Award. After examination of the grave, it was discovered that Nobel's corpse had recently rolled over 1833.

Sir Georg Solti, Hungarian-British conductor and pianist 1912, Dizzy Gillespie, American jazz trumpeter 1917, Malcolm Arnold, composer, trumpeter, and conductor 1921, Ursula Le Guin, American science-fiction writer 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly pair meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off, sharing each other's values, enjoying the same jokes, and finding pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the old man asks the old lady to marry him. She appears hesitant and says, "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but, how's your health?" The old man says, "It's OK. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

The old lady says, "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man says, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable." The old lady blushes, and finally asks the old man, "And how's your sex life" The old man says, "Infrequently." The old lady ponders this for a moment or so and asks, "And is that one word or two?"

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever." Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The

After having their 11th child, an New Orleans couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor said, "Trust me."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

The young preacher was delivering his first sermon at the Mount Olive Baptist Church and the congregation was in a frenzy. In the final moments before he ended the sermon, a young woman in the balcony was so overcome by his words that she slipped and fell over the railing. Fortunately, she was able to grasp the railing before falling and was hanging on for dear life. Unfortunately, her skirt rode up to her waste and alas, the young woman was not wearing her panties.

Concerned that the hapless, exposed young woman might ruin his first sermon, the preacher shouted to the congregation, "Let no man avert his eyes to the half-naked young woman hanging from the balcony or God will smite him and make him blind." An old man in the first row placed his hand over his right eye, turned to look up at the woman and mumbled, "I'm gonna take a chance on just one eye."

That's it for today my little chipmunks. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and an understanding barmaid. Remember, all AREA 51 bar and grills are approved pharmacies. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

An Old Flame

In the social world and in life, there are certain memories of past events, people, places and things that ofttimes come to mind. These memories are usually cherished times in one's life that one can privately relive from time to time. It is uncertain as to why these memories are suddenly thrust back into the forefront of one's thoughts. Sometimes it's an old picture, a certain song, the smell of a particular perfume or just seeing that person, place or thing again that jogs one's memory.

On the other hand, there are those certain memories that one likes to leave undisturbed in the past with the hopes that it will just fade away. Those bad decisions and embarrassing moments that one would not care to remember are sometimes pushed into the mind's eye and cause shivers to run up and down one's spine.

I was watching television the other evening and while in the kitchen retrieving a cold Budweiser, I heard a voice from the past echo in the living room. My first reaction was to cringe and assume the fetal position, but in a moment I realized it was a commercial on the television set. My worst fears alleviated, I walked into the living room to watch the last part of the commercial.

I don't know who the actress is that did the commercial, but I can assure you that I once went out with a woman who had the same voice. I actually met her one evening years ago as I was leaving one nightclub for another. She sent me a note saying that she was a friend of a friend and would I like to meet her later a certain nightclub. Since I was going to that club anyway, I stopped by her table and told her I'd meet her there later and she said, "Okay."

She was a pretty girl and when I arrived at the club, I ran into two business associates of mine who were with their ladies and they invited me to join them. I explained that I was meeting someone and they said to invite her as well. For the sake of conversation, we'll call this pretty young lady "Bobby Jo."

Well, Bobby Jo arrived and I invited her to sit with my friends and we began to converse. Since the only words I had heard from her was "okay," let's just say I was a bit taken aback when she spoke and I quickly figured out that she was not a member of Mensa. On the contrary, it turns out that Bobby Jo was an "exotic dancer" who had been having a few drinks with her friends.

Although I quickly knew that Bobby Jo and I did not have anything in common, she seemed to be a nice girl and I stuck it out the rest of the evening with her. We parted that evening as friends and needless to say, for the next two or three weeks my buddies always asked how "Bobby Jo" was doing.

To tell the truth, I liked Bobby Jo's bubbly personality and if it had not been for her particular "profession", we might have hit it off. Nevertheless, such are the spices of life and since I've always been fortunate with the caliber of ladies that I've socialized with over the years, I'm not going to complain about occasional dating mishaps.

So, ya say ya wanna hear Bobby Jo? Turn off my playlist on the left side bar and, for your dining and dancing pleasure, watch the following commercial. Here's the voice of "Bobby Jo."

The News As I See It: The White House decided last month to leave out Fox News Sunday when the president made the rounds of Sunday shows. It seems to me that The White House is satisfied to leave the reporting to the more liberal and obviously democratically oriented CNN rather than hear all sides and views of the issues. More importantly, on June 24, 2009, with the second quarter coming to a close, Fox News averaged about the same number of viewers as CNN and the other two cable news networks combined. Since I like to hear all sides of any story before coming to a decision, it's interesting to know that the Obama White House is satisfied by hand picking the news as they see it.

Talk about your political whores, Aarlen Specter (D-Penn) ran off at the mouth about the Republican party this weekend, citing it as the "No Party." In April 2009, the Five-term Senator switched from the Republican to the Democratic Party. His reason was that he found himself increasingly "at odds with the Republican philosophy." The truth of the matter is that Spector made the switch for fear of losing his Republican seat. Former Rep. Pat Toomey, who nearly defeated Specter in the Pennsylvania GOP Senate primary in 2004, was ahead of Specter in the Pennsylvania polls in a hypothetical primary matchup, 41 to 27 percent.

This Date In History: 1469; Prince Ferdinand of Aragón marries his cousin, Princess Isabella of Castile, creating the alliance that will lead to a unified Spain. 1781; The American War of Independence effectively ends with the surrender of British forces at Yorktown, Virginia.

1813; The Battle of Leipzig, also known as the Battle of the Nations, ends with defeat for Napoleon I and victory for the armies of Austria, Prussia, Russia, and Sweden. 1987; Black Monday sees stock market prices in London, Tokyo, and New York decline precipitously in one of the most dramatic losses in stock value ever recorded in one day.

Picture Of The Day: As long as the people who do these excellent photoshop pictures, I'll continue to show them to you. Mostly comical, the photoshop works are also a form of visual public and political statements about the things that happen today. From the many pictures I see on a daily basis on my treks around the Internet, there's a lot of people who have something to say. Many of these pictures are immediately emailed around the country and I try to bring you the most prevalent subject matter of the day.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I saw a sign in a Chinese pet store that read, "Buy one dog, get one flea." 2) Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 3) I've often wondered why banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 4) In a relationship, just like law enforcement, you have the right to remain silent. This is an excellent idea as anything you say will probably be misquoted, then used against you. 5) I hope this year's Christmas gift is better that last year's gift. Last year, I got a sweater. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Sir Thomas Browne, doctor and essayist 1605, Leigh Hunt, poet, essayist, and literary critic 1784, Auguste Lumière, French pioneer film-maker 1862, John Le Carré, British novelist and master of the political thriller 1931.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. He asks his wife, "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" His wife says, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The old man says, "Sure." His wife says, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" The old man replies, "No, I can remember it."

The wife says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." His wife says, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir, I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" The old man said, "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" The woman said, "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" The old man says, "There is no damn problem. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." The pastor says, "I see. And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

That's it for today my little doodlebugs. Remember,If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

My Name Is Jimmy And I'm A Chocoholic !

I like chocolate, especially expensive dark chocolate. In reality, of all my favorite things, chocolate ranks right up there with wine, women and song (In no particular order). Oddly enough, although I like most of the other flavored candies, breads, fruits and sweets, chocolate is my downfall. I do, however, have a penchant for vanilla, strawberries and mangoes.

I cannot go into any grocery store or bakery without ogling at all of the different assortments of chocolate. The bakery near my home always has single slices of dark chocolate cake usually with a large, fresh strawberry on top. And chocolate eclairs? Forget it....

At the grocery store, walking down the cookie aisle and not stopping at the Pepperidge Farms cookie display is impossible. I sometimes feel like a crack addict and to make matters worse, inevitably, I always seem to go to the bakery or grocery shopping before I eat.

The bakery is probably the worst places for me because I know all the ladies there and they seem to enjoy teasing me with all their new goodies (don't go there!). It's always, "Hi Jimmy, have you seen the new chocolate covered strawberries? Ooh, they're so delicious! I had one already and........" They lead my like a lamb to the slaughter. But, what the hell, if ya gotta die of something, it might as well be decadent......!

The News As I See It: The White House hosted a tribute to Latin music, and President Obama wiggled his hips a little on the dance floor. At that point, a committee in Sweden immediately awarded him a Latin Grammy. Some of the celebrities at the White House Latin Music Night included Gloria Estefan, George Lopez, Eva Longoria, and Jose Feliciano. Apparently, it was much more fun than last year’s party which was just President Bush and Dora the Explorer.

Republicans still can't believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. But then again, Democrats can’t believe that Sarah Palin wrote a book. The big story out of Washington is the healthcare bill passed the Senate Finance Committee by a vote of 14-9. The bill costs over $800 billion and that's just what lobbyists had to give to members of Congress.

What's Wrong With This Picture? Charlie Rangel (D-Harlem) is the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee. Charlie Rangel is under investigation by the House Ethics Committee for a) Failure to disclose $75,000 in rental income on a Dominican Republic villa, forcing him to cough up $10,800 in extra taxes. b) Using official congressional stationery to try to raise money for an educational institute at City College that will bear his name. c) Violating the ban on gifts worth more than $50 for accepting from a Manhattan developer four rent-stabilized apartments, where he now lives and works at prices well below market value.

In July, Rangel updated congressional disclosure forms to reflect more than $600,000 in "found" assets, including a credit union IRA account with a balance of more than $250,000, property in New Jersey and stocks. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who promised to "drain the swamp" and create "the most honest, most open, and most ethical Congress in history," is, instead, sticking by Rangel. In other words, the man who is in charge of writing the nation's tax laws doesn't pay his federal income or property taxes.

Country Music singer Garth Brooks is coming out of retirement. The country superstar and casino owner Steve Wynn announced Thursday afternoon that Brooks will be taking over the Encore theater at Wynn Las Vegas about 15 weeks a year, perhaps for the next five years. And it only cost the entrepreneur Wynn a jet. While sitting on stage with Wynn, Brooks said, "I told him he couldn't afford me. I was wrong. Wow."

Wynn bought the jet for Brooks so the best-selling solo act could continue to spend a maximum amount of time with his three teenage daughters and still perform. His youngest child has five years till she's off to college, and the deal Brooks and Wynn struck is flexible enough to guarantee the singer won't miss a precious moment.

He'll play shows on select Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays beginning Dec. 11. The plane lets him leave his Oklahoma home at 6 on Fridays and return home in time on Sundays so he can be ready to drive his girls to school the next morning.

This Date In History: 1555; Nicholas Ridley, along with fellow Protestant prelate and reformer, Hugh Latimer, is burned at the stake in Oxford for heresy. 1793; Marie Antoinette, queen consort of Louis XVI, is guillotined in Paris for treason. 1834; Both Houses of Parliament are destroyed in a fire at the old Palace of Westminster.

1847; Charlotte Brontë’s classic, Jane Eyre, is published under the pseudonym of Currer Bell. 1859; Planning to free Virginian slaves by armed force, American abolitionist John Brown, along with a force of 18 men, seizes the US Arsenal at Harpers Ferry, Virginia. 1908; Samuel Cody becomes the first person to fly in a powered aeroplane in Britain when his “British Army Aeroplane No. 1” takes to the skies at Farnborough, Hampshire.

1916; Margaret Sanger opens America's first birth-control clinic in Brooklyn, New York. 1946; During the Nuremberg Trials, ten high-ranking Nazi officials are executed by hanging for their war crimes during World War II.

Birthdays: Noah Webster, American lexicographer 1758, Lord Cardigan, army officer 1797, Robert Stephenson, civil engineer 1803, Oscar Wilde, Irish-born writer and wit 1854, Austen Chamberlain, statesman 1863, David Ben-Gurion, Israeli statesman 1886, Eugene O'Neill, American dramatist 1888, Gunter Grass, German writer 1927.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Marriages are made in heaven, but then again, so are thunder and lightning. 2) I would like to ask movie theater patrons to refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 3) I wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. 4) In other breaking news, Barack Obama was awarded the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game. 5) When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing. Either the car is new or the wife is.....and that's five !

Picture Of The Day: It wasn't easy for me to chose the picture of the day as all of them are delicious. Needless to say, it's a bit difficult to pay attention to the task at hand when you're looking at pictures of women covered in chocolate. Nevertheless, I opted to go with the one that really caught my eye and this is it. I hope you enjoy it.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Myrtle Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Myrtle is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Myrtle your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Myrtle Findlay in 302. No one up here tells me shit."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals, Garnett, and Victor, for their contributions to today's stories.

A woman arrived at a party and, while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello, my name is Carmen." The man said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?" Carmen said, "No, as a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy most, cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen."

Carmen smiled and asked the man, "What's your name?" The man replied, "B.J. Titsengolf."

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks, "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks, "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands."

The psychiatrists eyes the audience and asks, "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand. The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says, "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, "Well, that's just great. That's really great! Some asshole's got my pen.

The bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores theirconversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one-a more."

The lady exclaimed, "You foul-mouthed swine, in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" The Italian man said, "Hey, coola-downa lady, Imma justa teachin' my fren' howa to spella Mississippi."

That's it for today my little rose buds. Remember, everybody needs to believe in something. I believe I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and a scotch with my spiritual advisor, Johnnie Walker Black. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Scams, Spam And Utter Lunacy !

Don't you just love those daily scams and special emails that you get every day? Thanks to them, I no longer have any savings because I gave it to that sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates, Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, my little Piggy Banks, when I add that money to the funds from the insurance clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate, I'll be rolling in the dough. That's not even counting the correspondence that I recently received from Publisher's Clearing House which said I may have already won $10,000,000.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 718 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Yes, thanks to them, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward my e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

The latest scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this. They got me twice Friday and 3 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

** In a rare news scoop, Jimmy's Journal has acquired exclusive photographs of the Nobel Peace Prize Jury during their intense and deep deliberations to vote on the ultimate winner, your pal and mine, Barry Obama **

The News As I See It: Pope Benedict has named five new saints to the Catholic Church. There are some who are questioning whether Obama really deserves it. The Chicago Cubs are filing for bankruptcy. Hmm, they’re from Chicago; they’ve spent millions of dollars they don’t have....I smell Nobel Peace Prize. Rush Limbaugh has been named one of the judges in the Miss America pageant. I’m thinking, “A loud-mouthed judge who likes prescription pain killers?” Hey, it worked on “American Idol.” The president says he wants to do away with the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush’s “Don’t know, don’t care” policy. Israel threatened to attack Iran if international sanctions are not in place by Christmas. To which people in both nations said, “Umm, what’s Christmas?”

In the financial market, the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and then in the UK, has now hit Japan. In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

This Date In History: 1066; The Battle of Hastings, one of the most fateful military engagements in history, sees a Norman army led by William, Duke of Normandy, defeat Harold II, the last Saxon king of England. 1806; Napoleon I inflicts a crushing defeat on Prussia at the Battle of Jena.

1944; Field Marshal Erwin Rommel, known as the Desert Fox, commits suicide rather than stand trial for complicity in the attempt on Adolf Hitler's life the previous July. 1947; Chuck Yeager flies faster than the speed of sound in the experimental X-1 aircraft.

1962; US spy planes flying over Cuba detect evidence of ballistic missiles, beginning the Cuban Missile Crisis. 1964; Nikita Khrushchev is forced to resign as Soviet leader.

Picture Of The Day: Yes, it's the old free mammogram scam, a ruse which my ex-mother-in-law used to fall for at least once a month. Personally, I feel that it's a disgusting scam and the surprising thing to me is the optimism of the perpetrator. I mean, how many women have breasts that would fill that allotted space?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 2) Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. 3) I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 4) Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza 5) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex....and that's five !

Birthdays: James II, king of England, Wales, Ireland, and Scotland 1633, William Penn, Quaker and the founder of Pennsylvania 1644, Dwight D Eisenhower, 34th president of the United States 1890, e. e. cummings, American poet 1894, Roger Moore, actor 1927, Ralph Lauren, American fashion designer 1939, Cliff Richard, pop singer 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

** The scam isn't that that Prez George "Dubya" and English Prime Minister Tony Blair can play musical instruments. It's that both of them are pretending that they're intelligent. **

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A State Trooper using a radar gun pulled stopped two cars about 2 miles south of the Georgia-South Carolina state line. The Trooper walked up to the first car and asked the driver why he was speeding. The driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, the driver of the second car, who had been drinking, got out of his car and watched the performance briefly. Then, he went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian? He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up and says, "Covered wagon, about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

The cowboy says to his friend, "Incredible, this Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon." The cowboy says to the Indian, "Tell me Chief, how is it that you're able to know these things? The Indian looks up and says, "Wagon ran over me about half hour ago."

That's it for today my little orange blossoms. Remember, there are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

If It Weren't For Holidays And Football, Mondays Would Be Absolutely Useless !

One thing that pisses me off about the bailout of banks by the federal government is that there were not enough caveats as to how the monies were to be used. Actually, I'm amazed that the banks even needed a bailout when I take into consideration the amount of interest and fees the banks are legally allowed to charge on credit cards.

The credit card companies and banks were allowed to avoid usury and increase their interest rates years ago when national interest rates soared. When interest rates dropped, the banks did not drop their credit card interest rates proportionally and today, everyone is paying through the nose at rates that are as high as 28%.

The answer? The current recession is a clue. People have been unable or unwilling to pay back their credit card loans and because of that, the few banks that haven't folded are being forced to drop their rates. Additionally, people are not using their credit cards as much which decreases revenue to the banks.

The bottom line is that if we bailed out the banks with our tax dollars, then the banks should reciprocate by lowering their outrageous interest rates and fees. Maybe if we let the banks know that we intend to do the same thing as the dog pictured above is doing with their credit cards, they might possibly come around. If not, piss on them!

Comedian Wanda Sykes has a new HBO special called "I'ma Be Me" and it is absolutely hysterical. I watched it last evening and she touches on a lot of social and political issues without overdwelling, but more as each issue affects her. The show definitely earns an "R" rating but it is mostly adult humor and language. Her animated reactions to the subject matter she raises are well thought out and very funny.

This Date In History: 1492; Christopher Columbus lands on Guanahaní, an island in the Bahamas, and opens the Americas to Spanish conquest. 1915; Nurse Edith Cavell is executed by a German firing squad in Brussels for helping Allied soldiers escape from German-occupied Belgium during World War I. 1933; The US Department of Justice acquires the island of Alcatraz, converting it to a federal prison for dangerous prisoners. 1964; The Soviet Union launches Voskhod 1, the first spacecraft to carry a multi-person crew.

Picture Of The Day: What? Why picture of the day? Because even the animal world said, "Who??" when the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize was announced last week.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Congress is now considering giving $500 to every baby born in the United States, saying they want to promote savings. You thought a lot of illegals were coming here to have kids before? Now there's a cash bonus. 2) I woke up in the middle of the night last evening and as I was walking toward the bathroom, I heard a clicking noise. I stopped to listen and the noise went away. Thinking it was my imagination, I continued toward the bathroom and I heard the clicking noise again. When I stopped, the noise stopped again. When I continued my walk, I heard the clicking noise again and that's when I realized the clicking noises were coming from my ankles and knees.

3) Marijuana activists in California are determined to get enough signatures for a proposal on the ballot to legalize pot. In fact, they’re going to get right on that just as soon as “Scooby Doo” is over. 4) Exercise is important! My ex-mother-in-law started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is! 5) I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day....and that's five !

Birthdays: Edward VI, king of England and Ireland (1547-1553), the last in the male line of the House of Tudor 1537, Elmer Ambrose Sperry, American inventor and electrical engineer 1860, Ramsay MacDonald, prime minister 1866, Luciano Pavarotti, Italian tenor 1935.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Jack's wife ashed, "How was your golf game, dear?" Jack said, "Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." Jack's wife said, "Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" Jack said, "But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore." His wife said, "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball."

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. Scott answered, "Yep." Peering into the distance, Jack said, "Well, where is it?" Scott answered, "I forgot."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, bartender, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things."

The woman continued, "The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

The man said, "Why thank you very much," and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Evidently, there's a lot of new Prizes in Cracker Jack boxes these days.....

That's it for today my little turtle doves. Remember, there's one in every family. If you don't understand that concept, you're the one! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

John Garnett Is Presented The TAC AWARD

I would like to begin today's post by mentioning my friend, John Garnett, author of My Brain Is In Pain Again . I met John online in 2006 when he happened to make a comment on Jimmy's Journal on the memorable, but now defunct AOL Journals. Garnett, as I call him, has become a very good friend and we exchange email almost every day.

I have always known Garnett to be a cheerful, fun guy who never seems to complain despite some of the difficult things he has learned to deal with in his life. Garnett recently lost his wife, Debbie and although in obvious pain, he has come back strong, posting almost daily on his blog and visiting other blogs with his funny comments and kind words.

In difficult times, we are often at a loss of words and actions on how to respond or console friends who are going through difficult times. This being the case, I thought that the TAC AWARD, an award given by Jimmy's Journal to fellow journalists by for their continuing contributions and efforts to better the journal community, would befit Garnett's gallant and continuing efforts to further that cause. The TAC AWARD is hereby presented to John Garnett. My congratulations to John. Please stop by and visit John by clicking on the link in the opening paragraph.

President Obama will not meet the Dalai Lama during his five-day trip to the U.S. capital, the first time in 18 years the exiled Tibetan leader has visited Washington without seeing the president. Obama instead intends to wait until after his November summit with Chinese leader Hu Jintao before meeting the Dalai Lama, possibly sometime in December. I'm sure the main reason is that Obama doesn't want to strain relations with the country who finances the U.S. economy.

It seems to me that America has, in essence, become a whore to the powers that be. When an American president bows to a Saudi King (and his oil) and refuses to meet with a known human rights advocate in favor of the Republic of China Mortgage and Loan Company, something's not quite right. I'm sure that this is not the "change" that everyone had in mind.

Nevertheless, President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize today for "his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples," the Norwegian Nobel Committee said, citing his outreach to the Muslim world and attempts to curb nuclear proliferation.

If the gasps of shock from the audience at the Nobel Peace Prize Ceremony were an early indication of incredibility, the announcement stunned the American public even more. Even the White House was taken aback as they had no prepared statement at the time of the award.

For an American president who has been in office less than ten months, the mere idea that he is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize is beyond credible belief. Then again, the same Nobel Peace Prize was previously awarded to Yassir Arafat. An AOL poll taken this morning showed that out of 154,000 plus replies, 72% did not agree with the decision to award President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. What sayeth you, my wise and knowledgeable readers ?

I watched a documentary on the BBC Network last evening that dealt with three young women who hated their small breasts. The sad obsession that women seem to have today with their breasts size is a deeper problem that I even imagined. These young ladies were depressed and didn't like being seen in social circles, especially the beach. One of them resorted to implants and the other two were contemplating the same resolution.

Oddly enough, none of the three women were exceptionally small breasted, the three wearing an "A' cup bordering on "B." The fact that, over time, a woman's breast tends to increase in size due to maturity and bearing children didn't seem to console them. They did not seem to care about the dangers of implants either. These implant procedures are usually undertaken by women for their own state of mind and are not really done to attract the opposite sex. But I can assure you, most men look for women based on their complete mental and physical characteristics and they're just happy that breasts of any size come with the package.

This Date In History: 1470; Henry VI is restored to the throne, having been deposed nine years earlier by Edward IV. 1754; Henry Fielding, one of the creators of the modern novel, dies in Lisbon and is buried in the English cemetery there. 1934; Alexander I of Yugoslavia, along with Louis Barthou, the French foreign minister, is assassinated by a Croatian nationalist in Marseilles. 1962; Uganda gains its independence from Britain. 1967; Che Guevara, the South American revolutionary and political leader, is executed by the Bolivian army.

Picture Of The Day: Barcodes! When I first heard of the term I thought that maybe it was a social guide to be used while having a drink in AREA 51, but nooooooo....! It was the beginning of a new era. Just as I had gotten use to the idea of swiping my credit card instead of writing a check, the Electronics Gestapo came up with a new way to make me crazier than I already was.

Everything has a barcode these days and this stupid little invention has allowed people to work in grocery and department stores who haven't the slightest idea about the concept of mathematics. The only difference between training a monkey to do the same job is that the monkey can't pick up the telephone to call the manager to their cash register when the stupid little code can't be read by the scanner. That's progress, I guess.

Nevertheless, barcodes are today's theme and I hope you enjoy the pictures that I've selected. If, per chance, you don't like or understand them, don't call the manager. He's busy helping Maria and Jamal on register four.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was in the kitchen last evening and I realized that I had not seen my cat, Possum, for a while, so I called him. When he didn't come as he usually does, I called out his name again. I walked in to the living room to look for him and he walked right beside me as we both tried to find him. He had been standing beside me all the while and was really curious as to who I was looking for. 2) Speaking of dimwits, Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandchild has announced he will pose for Playgirl magazine. I think that Johnston is becoming a legend in his own mind. 3) The term "illegal aliens" will be no longer allowed. Henceforth, they will be referred to as "undocumented democrats." 4) Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. 5) My ex-mother-in-law buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Camille Saint-Saën, French composer, pianist, and organist 1835, Alfred Dreyfus, French army officer 1859, Jacques Tati, French actor and film director 1908, Donald Coggan, 101st Archbishop of Canterbury 1909, John Lennon, songwriter and singer 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Murray, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" Murray replied, "Outstanding, they taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization and association. It made a huge difference for me." His friend Sydney said, "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" Sidney said, "You mean a rose?" Murray said, "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife and said, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

After hearing a couple's complaints that their sex life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. He said, For example, you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. His wife said hesitantly, "Well, okay, but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second, you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

Two men are out on the lake fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."

A man and his wife were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and the wife kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. The wife asked, "Do you know her?" The husband replied, "Yes, She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." His wife said, "My God! Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it honey?"

That's it for today my little doodlebugs. Remember, a computer may beat you at chess, but you'll kill it at kick boxing. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and more! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Who Are These People And Why Are They Eating My French Fries ?

I heard the phrase "that's Jake with me" used yesterday in a movie and I wondered who in hell is Jake and why should I care. This, of course prompted my feeble little mind to delve into some of the other phrases I've heard over the years.

One of the phrases I've often heard is "He's a regular Joe." Since one of my best friends is named Joe, I began to wonder if he was a "regular Joe." What, if after all these years, I come to find out that he's an "irregular Joe?" Furthermore, what does regular pertain to? Coat size, bowel movement....Oh God, manhood?" The thought begins to creep me out. I think I'll just assume that my pal, Joe, is a "regular Joe" and leave it at that!

There's the well known and seemingly prompt, "Johnny on the spot." What spot? And if I find the "spot" and Johnny leaves that spot, does his name change? I know that some places referred to as "Johnny on the spot" allow you to relieve yourself in times of need. Is that the same Johnny? I've also heard that same receptacle referred to as John, as well. So, do you go to the John or to Johnny on the spot? I thought Spot was the dog.....this is so confusing.

Then there's old Peter and Paul. I always feel sorry for Peter because he is consistently being robbed and Paul always comes into newfound money everytime Paul is robbed. Why would people rob Peter? Is is to pay Paul over some stupid bet. I don't think that's right! Peter and Paul seem to be doing well with their Mounds company and word has it that they're not bad musicians either, moonlighting in the local bars with some chick named Mary.

Most people who have seen Peter and Paul perform with Mary have also wondered why Peter is always robbed when he's not with Paul. For the love of Pete, you'd think that someone living the life of Riley would understand that things are alway not Hunky Dory. The fact is that not everyone sees the forest for the trees.

I've tried to explain this fact to my Mexican friend, Manual Labor, many times but he's always too busy asking his friend, "Jose, can you see." Funny thing, everytime Manual asks that question to Jose, everyone stands up, removes their hats and places their hands over their hearts.

I don't always understand why these things happen and I'm not naive. I spend a lot of time socializing in AREA 51 and I hear and see these things happen all the time. The other day at the bar, some woman was complaining to her girlfriend about something. I didn't hear all of the conversation, but I think it was something about Disneyworld because she mentioned that someone tried to slip her a Mickey. She said when she went to her room, somebody tried to Jimmy her lock........

The Freebie Department: Ok, so it's not exactly a freebie, but it's still a pretty good deal. The Halloween coupon booklets are out. For $1, get a Trick or Treat Gift Book at Wendy's with 10 free Jr. Frosty coupons. At McDonald's, get a Tricks & Treats Pack for $1 with 12 coupons to redeem for free hamburgers, ice cream cones, apple dippers and milk jugs. Or, stop by Burger King with $1 to get 8 coupons for free value size fries. Click the links for more information.

From what I've been able to ascertain, not all of franchises participate and some employees are not even aware of the campaign. But most of the franchises have the deal and if you have kids, it's worth a buck. My suggestion is that if you're going there anyway, ask the management if they have the booklets. It vouldn't hoit.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT Award) is gathering dust and needs to be awarded to somebody. If you have anyone in mind, nominate them. Try it, you'll like it !

This Date In History: 1571; The Battle of Lepanto, the first major victory of the Christians against the Ottoman Empire, is fought. 1704; Scottish sailor Alexander Selkirk, the probable inspiration for Daniel Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe, is put ashore at his own request on an uninhabited island in the South Pacific Ocean. 1950; China invades Tibet.

2001; The launch of Operation Enduring Freedom sees US forces mount air attacks against the Taliban and Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan. 2003: Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Governor of California.

Birthdays: William Laud, Archbishop of Canterbury 1573, Henry Wallace, 33rd vice-president of the United States 1888, Desmond Tutu, South African clergyman and civil rights activist 1931, Thomas Keneally, Australian novelist 1935, Vladimir Putin, Russian president 1952.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I often wonder who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's ass." 2) We shouldn’t have sent Obama to get the Olympic Committee’s votes. We should have sent ACORN. It would have been a landslide. 3) Sarchasm (n) is defined as the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 4) I'm told that when you're going to make a parachute jump, you should make sure you're high enough. I figure that three days of steady drinking should do it. 5) Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.....and that's five !

Picture Of The Day: Words cannot describe or replace the beauty that the eye recognizes. Maybe that's why I'm sometimes at a loss for words when I'm around beautiful women. Comparably, flowers, like women, hold a special place in my heart, especially when they're combined with a bit of intellectual insight.

I loved these pictures the minute I saw them and I hope you like them as well. There were so many to choose from that I may run more of these over at my other blog site, Jimmy's Journal - The Original. I'll let you know when I do.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal. If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" The spirit of Abe says, "Yes it is Sol." Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

Abe says, "Well, I got good news and I got bad news." Sol says, "Gimme the good news first." Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news, says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" The man cries, "Oh god no! My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?" The doctor says, "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman’s arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" The man says, "Go for it doc, as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. The businessman says, "Great, I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved. Not only that, my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

The surgeon says, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects." The man says "Well, there's just one problem. Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!"

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

The coach said to himself, "I've got to get this guy! He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football and, sure enough, the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football.

When the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. He says into the phone, "Mom, I just won the Super Bowl!" The old Muslim woman says, "I don't want to talk to you. You deserted us. You are not my son." The son pleads, "Mother, I don't think you understand, I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

His mother replies, "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time with same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" The man asked innocently, "What makes you say that?" His wife said,"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

That's it for today my sweet little belly dancers. Remember, animal testing is a horrible practice. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Y'all come ! More on Friday

Stay Tuned !

Monday Mutterings

The media is having a field day with the David Letterman affair and frankly, I think some of the commentators shouldn't be throwing stones near their own glass houses. Assuming that that there were not any workplace transgressions that were illegal or jeopardized the workplace ethic, it is much ado about nothing.

In any scenario, relationships often occur and it seems to me that this is just human nature. I don't know of very many people who haven't met someone at work that they like, at least once. Nevertheless, the media continues on, especially the cable news channels who derive their income by turning molehills into mountains.

The newest media twist is that some of the media are now defining the Letterman situation as "sexual harassment." One would think that if this is the case, the offended party would file a lawsuit. Since a lawsuit or complaint has yet to be filed against Letterman, it would seem that the media should concentrate on the man accused in the case, Robert Joel Halderman.

Halderman, who until last month shared a residence in Connecticut with Letterman's longtime personal assistant, Stephanie Birkitt, was a longtime and well-respected producer for the CBS News program “48 Hours Mystery.”

While sexual harassment, in and of itself, is not something to be overlooked or taken lightly, the details that have surfaced until now seem to indicate that the Letterman case was not sexual harassment, Nevertheless, the story will continue to be in the headlines until the media sleazebags can find a new case to champion.

On the other hand, Barney Frank, the openly gay United States House Representative for Massachusetts's 4th congressional district, who has admitted that he had an affair with a male prostitute, continues to serve America as the chairman of the House Financial Services Committee. The committee oversees the entire financial services industry, which includes the securities, insurance, banking, and housing industries.

Frank is widely considered to be one of the most powerful members of Congress. Frank is described as "one of the brightest and most energetic defenders of civil rights issues." Mr. Frank is also a vigorous and unashamed defender of Acorn, now being investigated in many states across the nation for voter fraud and corruption. Go figure......

In Other News: The Olympic Committee decided that the 2016 Olympics will not be in Chicago, rather, It’s going to be in Rio de Janeiro. As a result, the 2016 Olympics will be topless. President Obama has banned federal employees from texting while driving because he says it is distracting and could lead to accidents. Obama admitted he was texting behind the wheel when he picked Joe Biden for vice president. Automobile manufacturers have reported that for the ninth year in a row, the most popular car color was silver. In fact Chrysler says that this year, all three of the cars they sold were silver. China is celebrating it's 60th anniversary of Communism. We 're celebrating in the United States because they own all of our debt. If you want to send China a gift, the 60th anniversary gift is lead paint.

This Date In History: 1434; Banker Cosimo de' Medici returns from exile to Florence, becoming its effective ruler. 1793; The revolutionary government in France abolishes Christianity. 1796; During the French Revolutionary Wars, Spain declares war on Britain.

1877; Chief Joseph, of the Nez Percé, and one of the leaders of Native American resistance to white encroachment in the western United States, surrenders to the US Army with the words “I will fight no more forever.” 1914; The first ever air battle takes place when a German reconnaissance aircraft is shot down by an armed French aircraft and its two-man crew killed.

1936; The Jarrow March, the most celebrated of the hunger marches that took place in Britain in the 1930s, leaves Jarrow, on the River Tyne, for London. 1962; The Beatles release “Love Me Do”, their first single. 1969; Monty Python's Flying Circus is first broadcast on BBC television.

Picture Of The Day: Squabbling, the daily occurrences that happen to everyone but ofttimes amusing when it comes to the animal world. I got a kick out of today's pictures and I hope it you do as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A countless number of people have read Jimmy's Journal and have gone on to lead normal lives. 2) One of my neighbor's boys swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet." 3) In the workplace, Prairie Dogging is when someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 4) Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. 5) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Jonathan Edwards, American theologian 1703, Chester Alan Arthur, 21st president of the United States 1829, Robert Goddard, American rocket engineer 1882, Václav Havel, Czech political leader 1936, Bob Geldof, Irish rock singer 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three sons, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. All three sons arrived late.

Son number one arrived and said, "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency and I didn't have time to get you both a present." His Dad said, "Don't worry, the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "Wow, Dad, you and Mom still look great. Dad, I just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present. Sorry." His father, "Hey, we're just glad you were able to be here."

Just then, son number three arrived and said, "Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again, the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, although we were very poor, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but, we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?" Their father said, "Yeah, and cheap ones too!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and My Perfect Martini for their contributions to today's entry.

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other. Finally, they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called "Yam." Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato", and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand, she wouldn't stay home and become a couch potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, "Frito Lay."

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he was just a.......Common Tater!

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

That's it for today my little corn muffins. Remember, hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Lettuce Pray For Peas On Earth !

It's Friday and I'm in a mood to laugh and have fun, so most of today's entry will consist of a lot of frivolity and photoshop pictures. But first, some thoughts about the news of the day.....

Chicago has been eliminated from contention for the 2016 Summer Olympics and CNN's Tony Harris was incredulous that Chicago was eliminated. Uh...Tony, perhaps you haven't heard about the number of recent murders and robberies by the thugs of Chicago? Those thugs would have a field day with unsuspecting Olympic tourists.

Barack Obama, Michele Obama and Oprah went to Copenhagen(daaz) to front for Chicago in it's bid for the winning city but evidently neither Chicago's favorite son, his wife, nor Oprah could not sway the voters to overlook the city's overwhelming violent crimes and it's inability to stop the murders, muggings and robberies that occur there on a daily basis.

Rio De Janeiro was awarded the 2016 Olympic games and although it's a beautiful city, the high rate of crime and theft from the illegitimate and abandoned street urchins there is intolerable. I guess the only real difference between Rio and Chicago, the thugs in Rio get "offed" quite often and not too many of the law abiding citizens care.

In Other News: David Letterman announced during his show on Thursday night, that someone tried to extort two million dollars from him or they would release information about sexual relationships Letterman had with two female staff members. Manhattan District Attorney Robert Morgenthau has announced that '48 Hours' producer Robert "Joe" Halderman has been indicted in the extortion case. Personally, assuming that the relationships were between two unattached consenting adults, I don't think that Letterman had any reason to fret. I would, however, have reported it to authorities as well in order to bust the scumbag who attempted to make the extortion.

CNN's Rick Sanchez has gone off on many moralistic rants lately. Perhaps Sanchez, a former resident of Miami, has forgotten that in 1985, wiretaps recorded Rick Sanchez trading favors with his friend, Alberto San Pedro, a self-proclaimed political fixer and described by police as “the great corrupter.” San Pedro was sent to prison. Rick Sanchez lost his job in Miami and was banished to Houston for a few years.

Miami viewers gave Sanchez another bite at the apple. He rewarded them by getting drunk at a Dolphin game and later fled the scene of an accident after he had hit a man, leaving him for dead. He, himself, was the center of a scandal involving the purchase of stolen suits. Hey Rick, what's that old adage about people who live in glass houses.....?

President Obama is coming under fire because he has only spoken to the U.S. commander in Afghanistan once in the last six months. Whose fault is that? If the general wants to talk to Obama, he should get a talk show or go to Copenhagen. That’s how it’s done! According to U.S. intelligence reports, the new standard procedure for Al-Qaida operatives is to hide explosives inside their rectums. Either that, or they're just playing a cruel practical joke on Achmed.

Get a free sample of Kellogg's Special K cereal by entering your shipping information on an online form. The freebie offer expires December 1st or as long as supplies last. Here's the link: http://www.blueboxgift.com/specialkpromo.asp

This Date In History: 1187; Muslim leader Saladin captures Jerusalem, capital of the so-called Latin Kingdom, ending 88 years of Christian rule. 1836; Naturalist Charles Darwin returns to Falmouth, England, aboard HMS Beagle, having spent almost five years away developing and researching his theories. 1901; The Royal Navy launches its first ever submarine.

1944; The Warsaw Uprising is crushed by the Nazis after 63 days. 1950; "Peanuts”, the comic strip that becomes the life work of American artist Charles M. Schulz, makes its debut. 1985; AIDS gains widespread public attention following the death of American actor Rock Hudson, the first celebrity to publicly announce that he had AIDS.

Picture Of The Day: October 1 was World Vegetarian Day. It was established in 1997 by the North American Vegetarian Society to "promote life-enhancing experiences of being a vegetarian". Besides the above captioned "picture of the day," the other two veggie pictures are appropriately named......"Carrot Top" and "Barack-Lee Obama." Scientists claim that vegetarians usually have higher IQs. I don't know about that but word has it, "you are what you eat". I guess that makes me..........a taco. What?!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. 2) For those men who have heard the acronym PMS but do not know what it stands for, it means Potential Murder Suspect ! 3) The Wisconsin Tourism Federation has changed its name to the Tourism Federation of Wisconsin. They changed it because its initials were WTF and there's already too many reasons not to visit there. 4) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 5) I purchase a whole roasted lemon chicken from Publix every two weeks and I always share some with my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway. Now, he stares at his cat food and then looks at me as if to say, "What, no chicken?".....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Skip. Happy Birthday, buddy 19XX, Richard III, king of England 1452, Ferdinand Foch, French general 1851, Sir William Ramsay, chemist 1852, Mahatma Ghandi, Indian leader 1869, Groucho Marx, American comedian 1890, Graham Greene, novelist 1904, Robert Runcie, 102nd Archbishop of Canterbury 1921.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Three old mischievous women were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then, an old man walked by, and one of the old women yelled out, "We bet we can tell l exactly how old you are. " The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old women said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The women asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!" The old man said, "How in the world did you guess?" The old women snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday."

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread " She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"He said, "I want 5 loaves."She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." The old man replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals, Rose and Larry for their contributions to today's entry.

Computer Customer Service Correspondence:

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help! Thanks!
A Troubled User

Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an operating system and is designed by its Creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck!
Tech Support

Because of the recent murder of an innocent bystander by a gang of thugs in Chicago, rock bands are purchasing the new "Chicago Special Guitars" just in case the natives get restless at concerts.

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Murray Lipschitz's Laundry.' He wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Murray Lipschitz's Chinese Laundry."

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Murray Lipschitz's Laundry?' The old man answered, "Ah, evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?" The old man replied, "It's me." The tourist said, "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Murray Lipschitz?" The old man said, "Many, many year ago, I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, 'What your name?' He say, 'Murray Lipschitz.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'"

Two sticks of asparagus are walking down the street. One gets hit by a car and is rushed to the hospital. After performing surgery, the doctor comes out and tells the other asparagus, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, your friend will live. The bad news is, he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

That's it for today my little pea pickers. Remember, don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. I'm going to AREA 51 to check on the children. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !