Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year !

Tonight is New Year's Eve or as I like to call it, amateur night. People who do not drink all year will have a sip of the spirits tonight and that spells danger (Will Robinson). You can usually tell the roads the normally non-drinkers take by counting the number of downed mail boxes and stop signs.

Over the years, one of the things I have learned is that if you're going out, try to stay close to home. The shorter the path to safety the less chance you'll encounter problems. For the non-drinkers who will drink tonight, eat first and pace yourself! You'll handle the liquor much easier by drinking slowly on a full stomach.

Once you start feeling the alcohol, make sure you call all of your family and friends to wish them a Happy New Year. Then, you can throw up, lose your cell phone and pass out in the front yard.

Happy New Year to all my family, friends and readers and have a safe New Year. New Year's Day advice for my normally non-drinking, hungover, drink lots of water and take two aspirins. For my drinking of the dog.

The News As I See It: The general manager of La Guardia Airport in New York said that with all the cancellations and delays, it'll be two to three days before the airlines are at a regular schedule, and the TSA gets back to handling 7,000 testicles per hour at the passenger screening booths.

Brazil will name a huge oil field after President Da Silva. In related news, a huge wind farm in the USA will be named after Vice President Joe O'Biden.

It has been reported that Snooki from "Jersey Shore" will not be dropping from a ball at midnight in Times Square. Most likely it'll be like every other night with balls dropping on her.

Vivid Entertainment's Steve Hirsch says he'll foot the bill for the Octomom's $450,000 house to avoid her being evicted. He says he's not pressuring her to do porn but recently offered her $1 million to star in an adult video. I think she was crazy to turn it down. That's like a thousand dollars a stretch mark.

This Date In History: 1879; Thomas Edison gave the first public demonstration of an electric incandescent lamp. 1938; The first breath test for drivers, "drunkometer," was introduced in Indianapolis. 1946; President Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II.

1961; The Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid. 1963; Central African Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland was formally dissolved. 1964; The al-Fatah guerrillas of Yasser Arafat launched their first terrorist raid on Israel. 1987; Robert Mugabe sworn in as Zimbabwe's president.

Picture Of The Day: Happy New Year, of course !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Today is the accepted time to make your annual New Year's resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. 2) The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you actually kiss the person you're married to. 3) Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. 4) 2011 will be the year I finally stop drunk dialing and start drunk tweeting. 5) On New Year's Day, thieves robbed and bound a man with masking tape. He was able to chew through the tape after two hours of trying. His inspiration came from his wife's pot roast.......and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal Mercy, Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Jacques Cartier, explorer 1491, Charles Cornwallis, general 1738, Henri Matisse, French artist 1869, Elizabeth Arden, beautician, business executive 1878, George C. Marshall, general and cabinet member 1880, Simon Wiesenthal, writer, activist 1908, Anthony Hopkins, actor 1937, Ben Kingsley, actor 1943, John Denver, singer and songwriter 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Welcome! Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance." The blonde agrees.

St. Peter says, "Here's your question: Name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." The blonde says, "Today and tomorrow!" St. Peter says, "Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" The blonde says, "That's easy. Twelve!" St. Peter says, "Twelve?" The blonde says, "Yeah! January second, February second, March second---"

St. Peter says, "Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?" The blonde says, "That's easy. Howard!" St. Peter says, "Howard??" The blonde says, "You know, 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"

A Blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to his new wife, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and says, "I'm here to breed the cow." She takes him down the barn and they walk along a long row of cows. When she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.....right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" The blonde says, "That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Sophie was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Murray, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Murray, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Murray looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Sophie cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Murray grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Murray answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Murray answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Murray answered, "Only if it's raining."

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob. One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. Charlie asks, "So, how'd it go, Harry?" Harry said, "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."

Charlie tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" Harry said, "Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."

That's it for today my little sparklers. Remember, you are not alone. Everybody's family is crazy. Have a safe and Happy New Year and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Who Dat?

They're, their, there....are lots of reasons why paying attention in high school English class is important in life. Probably one of the most important reasons is that your future life style depends on it. The alternative is street talk, namely dis and dat, dey and dem. This particular style of speech virtually assures you that you'll never make manager at your career job at McDonald's. The assumption that one might even be able to conjugate the verb "to be" (id est, ad nauseum: I be, you be, we be) has realistically, you'll pardon the expression, "gone to hell in a hand basket."

Those who go on to an institution of higher learning have better opportunities unless, of course, one is on a sports scholarship. Since many colleges earn handsome incomes from sports, recruiters have the unique ability to turn a deaf ear to intelligent conversation when interviewing athletes. As always, the bottom line rules. A college degree doesn't assure that one will speak any more intelligently but it usually means that more economic doors and opportunities are opened.

Probably one of my biggest peeves is the mispronunciation of three words. As a real estate broker, it always amuses me when I hear the word "Realtor" pronounced "Real-a-tor." Another irritation is when I hear the word jewelry pronounced "jew-ler-ry." And finally, one of the reasons I always thought former president Georgie "Dubya" Bush was an idiot wah his repeated mispronunciation of the word "nuclear." One would think that, among his many learned advisors, some one would take him aside and say, "Dubya, it's "nuclear", not "newk-kew-ler."

So, dat's my thots four tuday. Dis blog wuz hard to rite and I even used spel chek. Duz anybody no wat all dat yellow shit be?

The News As I See It: The governor of Hawaii is attempting to release Barack Obozo's birth certificate. The White House has not commented on the subject but insiders say that Obozo is more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

Madame Tussauds' wax museum in Washington, D.C. will open a new gallery next year featuring all 44 presidents. The Obama statue is very lifelike. In fact, Biden spent an hour telling it about his weekend.

The Pilgrims landed in America in 1620. The first year they lost everything they had, in an Indian casino.

Last week, there were big Christmas sales, Congress repealed "Don't Ask Don't Tell" and the President signed the tax-cut extension bill. So if you're a gay soldier who's also a millionaire, looking for tax-refund money to go Christmas shopping, this was the time of your life.

This Date In History: 1170; Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, was murdered by four knights acting under the orders of Henry II. 1845; Texas became the 28th state in the United States. 1851; The first Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) opened in Boston.

1890; The last major battle of the Indian Wars, at Wounded Knee Creek, took place with hundreds of Indian men, women, and children massacred. 1937; The Constitution of Ireland, changing the Irish Free State into Eire, went into effect.

1940; During World War II, Germany began dropping incendiary bombs on London. 1989; Vaclav Havel was elected president of Czechoslovakia. 1996; A peace agreement was signed, ending 36 years of conflict in Guatemala.

Picture Of The Day: It's been a strange day, thus strange pictures. Some adages, however, were clearly proven true when Smokey the Bear was photographed by the pooparazzi during an untimely, private moment.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Years ago, I fondly recall when our high school band played Beethoven. Beethoven lost, 12 to 7. 2) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. 3) I met a a multi-millionaire yesterday. He made all of his money designing the little diagrams that tell you which way to put batteries in. 4) We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid until she closed her curtains. 5) Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.......and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Joann. Happy Birthday my love 19XX, Charles Goodyear, invented vulcanized rubber 1800, Andrew Johnson, 17th President of the United States 1808, William Gladstone, statesman 1809, Pablo Casals, virtuoso cellist 1876.

William "Billy" Mitchell, aviator, soldier 1879, Vera Brittain, novelist, poet 1893, Mary Tyler Moore, actress 1936, Jon Voight, actor, director, writer 1938, Patricia Clarkson, actor 1959, Jude Law, actor 1972.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

Mister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah." Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

One morning, a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy said, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

The cabbie said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" The nun says, "Okay, pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. The Nun says "My dear child, why are you crying?" The cabbie says, "Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Lawrence and I'm going to a Halloween party."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" The priest replies, "Just water, officer." The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

A group of friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacMurphy, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.

The Moral of the Story: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars !

That's it for today my little grasshoppers. Remember, Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, December 27, 2010

A Death On Christmas Day

Christmas day brought some sad news. Early Saturday morning, my very good friend, Doctor Marcos Zequiera, passed away. Dr. Mark had been in the hospital for about two weeks after breaking his leg and was, for all practical purposes, recovering. Dr. Mark was a family friend and treated both of my parents in their medical times of need, beginning with open heart surgery on my mother more than thirty years ago and later with many surgeries on my father.

Dr. Mark and I also spent many good times together in AREA 51 and these are the times that I will remember. Both of us, along with several personal and business friends, would get together after work to socialize and relieve the daily stress.

Besides being a renown thoracic surgeon, Dr. Mark was a Naval Commander and served in a battlefield hospital during the Gulf War.

My first thoughts about Dr. Mark's untimely death was that it would be a tragic reminder of his passing every Christmas. After some further thought, I have realized that each December 25th will be an additional personal celebration for me, reminding me of the countless good times we spent together. Rest in peace my dear friend.

The News As I See It: President Obozo signed the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" into law on the morning of December 22nd. He would have signed it the night before, but supporters of the bill didn't want to miss that night's episode of 'Glee.'"

On a flight from Cuba to Canada last week, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license.

This Date In History: 1831; Darwin began his voyage aboard the HMS Beagle. 1900; Prohibitionist Carry Nation smashed her first saloon. 1932; Radio City Music Hall in New York City opened. 1945; The World Bank was created with an agreement signed by 28 nations.

1949; The Netherlands transferred sovereignty to Indonesia after more than 300 years of Dutch rule. 1979; The Soviet Union took control of Afghanistan, installing Afghan politician Babrak Karmal as president. 1996; Rwanda's first genocide trial opened for the 1994 slaughter of 800,000 Tutsis.

2001; President Bush permanently normalized trade relations with China. 2001; The U.S. announced plans to hold Taliban and al-Qaeda prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Picture Of The Day: Julian Assange, the WikiLeaks jerk, has signed a 1.3 million book deal. Assange is currently free on bail in Great Britain, where he is fighting extradition to Sweden over alleged sex crimes. "I don't want to write this book, but I have to," he said in an interview with the newspaper. "I have already spent 200,000 pounds for legal costs and I need to defend myself and to keep WikiLeaks afloat."

While Assange's website has released hundreds of thousands of American military and diplomatic secrets, he's been reticent to disclose details of his own life. With any luck at all, the asshole will go broke and crawl back under the rock he came from.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For Christmas, I got a new shirt and a piece of ass...they were both too big. 2) I also got a sweater. It was nice, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 3) I still have my Christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. 4) I got a Christmas email from my Nigerian friend who is going to share his bank account money with me. He asked me if I sent the check of good faith. I told him the check's in the mail. That's one of the two lies that have been useful for me in the past. 5) The best offer I saw on television this weekend was an offer for a "free" gift. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?......and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal, Laurie. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Johannes Kepler, astronomer 1571, Sir George Cayley, scientist and aerial navigator 1773, Louis Pasteur, French Chemist 1822, Sydney Greenstreet, actor 1879, Marlene Dietrich, actress 1901, Gerard Depardieu, actor 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

There are two brothers, aged four and six. The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear." The four year old says "Okay." The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'" The four year old says "Okay."

So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?" The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes." Whack! The kid goes flying across the room. The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would you like for breakfast?" The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass it's not corn flakes."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" The boy replies, "Eight." The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for? The boy says, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." His mother asked, "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" The boy replied, "Yes."

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which, is four."

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 7-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments later, he calls out, "Looks like the Anderson's have company."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving." After a few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex." Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?" The boy replied, "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

That's it for today my little pussy cats. Remember, once over the hill, you pick up speed. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas To All !

Well, my pals, it's Christmas Eve and Santa has begun his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his list to see who's been naughty and who's been nice, so I'm relatively sure I won't be one of his stops. But there's still hope for you, my little sleigh belles, and if per chance he doesn't stop by your house either, he didn't hear anything from me.

As for the rest of my family, friends and readers, I wish you all a safe and very Merry Christmas and a happy holiday.

The News As I See It: A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants singing, "Do you feel what I feel?"

Security officials say that al-Qaida once considered spreading poison through salad bars across the U.S. But they abandoned the plan after Sizzler beat them to it.

Since "Don't ask don't tell" has been repealed, if you're in the military and want to engage in gay activity you just have to fill out the HB-290 Homosexual Behavior Requisition Form.

A women's sanitary products company has released a new ad campaign saying their product will protect you from Wikileaks. At least it's better than their last slogan: "Caps your spill faster than BP."

Congratulations to "All My Children" actress Rebecca Budig, who won on "Skating with the Stars." She beat the two other finalists: somebody else and whoever it was.

Odds and Ends: Donald Trump is flying JetBlue, but they make him put that thing on his head in a pet carrier. It’s hard to imagine Donald Trump flying on JetBlue, kind of like it’s hard to imagine Sarah Palin flying on Air Force One. The census shows there are more than 308 million people living in America. The amazing part is that more than half of those people are Americans.

This Date In History: 1524; Portuguese navigator Vasco da Gama died in Cochin, India. 1814; The War of 1812 between America and Britain ended with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent. 1818; "Silent Night" was composed by Franz Joseph Gruber. 1865; The Ku Klux Klan was formed in Pulaski, Tennessee.

1871; Giuseppe Verdi's opera Aida premiered in Cairo, Egypt, at the opening of the Suez Canal. 1943; Gen. Dwight Eisenhower was appointed supreme commander of Allied Forces by President Franklin Roosevelt. 1992; President Bush pardoned former defense secretary Caspar Weinberger and five others in the Iran-Contra scandal.

Picture Of The Day: Christmas brings an air of serenity and peace once a year. It is especially welcomed and appreciated during the difficult times for all families this year. Merry Christmas!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My sexual experience with her was like riding in the back seat of a car driven by a very smart kangaroo. It runs up on the curb every once in a while, but it gets you there. 2) I met her in a revolving door and I've been going around with her ever since. 3) She said that she had been married three times. I could tell it was more than that by the rice marks on her face. 4) She had her period. I was a bit worried. The kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged, masculine features. If she is menstruating, however, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple. 5) Having sex with her is just like a rock concert. We yell and cheer and when she wants an encore, she flicks her lighter. Sometimes I tell her that Elvis has left the building.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Kit Carson, American frontiersman and guide 1809, James Prescott Joule, physicist 1818, Juan Ramón Jiménez, lyric poet 1881, Howard Hughes, business executive 1905, Ava Gardner, actress 1922, Mary Higgins Clark, novelist 1931, Ricky Martin, singer 1971, Ryan Seacrest, TV personality 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says, "Been on vacation yet, lads?'' John says, "Off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

The bartender says, "Ah, England, wonderful Country. The history, the beer, the culture...'' John interrupts, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English. They're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

The bartender asks, ''So why keep going to England ?" John says, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive..."

A man went fishing one morning but after a short time he ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are great bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, he grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp. The fisherman released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, he felt a nudge on his foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the South.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Julie for their contributions to today's stories.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough", adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

The teller said, "My goodness! And will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the damn sheet rock."

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

That's it for today my little Christmas carolers. Remember, five days a week your body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. Here's wishing all my family, friends and readers a very Merry Christmas and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Sir, That's Not The Lunar Eclipse, It's A Street Lamp

I kind of missed the lunar eclipse that occurred around 3 a.m. early Tuesday morning. I'd like to tell you that it was too cloudy, but it wasn't. My pal Johnnie Walker Black and I patiently waited for the celestial event to occur. Around 2:45, I went outside to take a gander at the event and it was then that I realized that the tall trees in the neighborhood would seriously compromise any decent look at the eclipse.

For a brief moment, I thought I had finally zeroed in on the eclipse but with the help of my pal Johnnie, I realized that I was gazing at the street lamp. As I began to see that chances were slim to view the event, I also realized that I was standing outside in a tee shirt, pajama pants, slippers and a glass of scotch at 3 o'clock in the cold morning air. These facts mentally absorbed, I retired to my living room to watch the event on the Public Broadcasting channel. My cat, Shithead just shook his head in amazement.....

Jimmy's Journal has learned that a serious epidemic of the Bird Flu is spreading across the nation. The Center for Disease Control recommends that you should see your doctor immediately if you suffer from the following symptoms: 1) High fever. 2) Congestion. 3) Nausea. 4) Fatigue. 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

The News As I See It: After playing the beautiful ballerina in the movie "Black Swan," actress Natalie Portman was asked if she'd consider doing "Dancing With the Stars" and she said no. The reason: She can really dance and she’s actually a star.

Vice President Joe O'Biden said there has been no "substantive damage" to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal. He says it has been embarrassing, but you can't prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. Biden is right because if that were true, Biden would be serving life in prison.

A survey found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on their wives once they find out about their mistresses.

President Obozo read his new children’s book to a classroom of second-graders in Virginia. It did not go well. Fifty-nine percent of the kids disapproved, and 83 percent of the children felt the story was headed in the wrong direction.

Odds and Ends: WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is out on bail and under house arrest at a 600-acre estate. That will teach him. Assange is on a curfew as well. If there’s anything that a guy who leaks secret government documents respects, it’s a curfew. Congress repealed the "don’t ask, don’t tell" law. The Pentagon can now start production on "Iraq: The Musical." John McCain was opposed to repealing "don’t ask, don’t tell," though he admitted that he probably served with gay soldiers during the Civil War.

This Date In History: 1620; The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts. 1891; The first basketball game, invented at Springfield College in Massachusetts by James E. Naismith, was played. 1898; Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium.

1913; The first crossword puzzle was printed in the New York World. 1937; Disney's Snow White, the first feature length color and sound cartoon, premiered. 1970; Elvis Presley met with president Richard Nixon in the White House.

1988; A terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people. 1991; Eleven of the former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States. 1995; Palestinians took over the control of the city of Bethlehem.

Picture Of The Day: Three more days 'til Santa Clause makes his rounds. I really don't want anything special for Christmas but I did email Santa and ask him for a list of the girls that have been naughty. Hey, you never know.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Had this been an actual emergency, I would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified. 2) Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you're in will always take the longest. 3) Never insult a police officer while they're doing a body cavity search. 4) Chastity is curable, if detected early. 5) Good sex can correct poor posture...or at least make it stand up straight.......and that's five !

Birthdays: I would be remiss in not mentioning that Brother Kirt's birthday is tomorrow. Happy Birthday Bro! 19XX, James Oglethorpe, founder of the American colony of Georgia 1696, Thomas Wentworth Higginson, abolitionist 1823, Giacomo Puccini, composer of operas 1858.

Connie Mack, baseball player and manager 1862, Edwin Arlington Robinson, poet 1869, Dame Peggy Ashcroft, actress 1907, Lady Bird Johnson, Businessperson, Wife of Lyndon Johnson 1912, Diane Sawyer, television journalist 1945, Ralph Fiennes, actor 1962, Jordin Sparks, singer 1989.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring. Al said, "Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?" Steve replied, "Sounds great, but how do you make it last for an hour?" Al answered, "Just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Minnesota when he accidentally cut off all ten off his fingers. He went to the emergency room at the Clinic and when he got there the doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have the fingers and I'll see what I can do." Ole said, "I hafn't got da fingers."

The doctor said, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? Jumping Jiminy! It's 2010! We've got microsurgery and all kinds off incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring the fingers?" To which Ole replied, "Yah well, how da fock was I suppose to pick'em up?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have pieces of lettuce stuck in my ass!" The doctors says, "That's unusual. I'd better take a look" The doctor examined the man and turned to write on his chart." The nervous man asked, "Is it bad?" The doctor said, "It's even worse and that's just the tip of the iceberg."

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his balls. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?" The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his balls.

The doctor exclaimed, "The pain must have been excruciating!" The hunter said, "It was! The second worst pain in my life." The doctors said, "Second worst? What could have been worse than that?" The hunter lamented, "Coming to the end of the chain!"

A young boy of five was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate, "I'll be gone for awhile. I have to have surgery." On the day he was admitted his mother asked doctor if he could also circumcise him while he was asleep. The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore for several days. After about a week he got to see his playmate again.

His playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is that your tonsils ain't where you think they are."

That's it for today my little egg noggins. Remember, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. I'm going to AREA 51 and check out the happy hour Christmas party but I'm not going to dance. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !