Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Hu's On First ?

One of my lady friends called me today while I was watching the American-Chinese press conference. I said, "Let me call you later, I'm listening to Hu speak." She said, "Who?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Who are you listening to?" I said, "President Hu." She said, "Who?!" I said, "Correct." She hung up. Hey Abbot.........!

Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. It was a gathering of the world’s most powerful communist — and the president of China. There was a really awkward moment when the Chinese president met President Obama’s daughters and asked them, "So what factories do you kids work at?" Ahead of the big state dinner tonight, President Obozo went to Hu’s hotel and slipped a menu under the door.

The News As I See It: According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen was partying in Las Vegas again on Monday. But to be fair, everybody celebrates Martin Luther King Day differently.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says that being governor of California cost him at least $200 million in lost movie roles. Movie-goers everywhere say it was worth it.

Two credit rating firms say the U.S. credit rating has remained steady at AAA. Aren’t we like $14 trillion in debt? I think LOL would be more like it.

The Republican National Committee elected Reince Priebus as their new chairman. Isn't that the name of a car?

The Golden Globe top honors went to the Facebook movie, "The Social Network." I think it won because it got the most "likes."

This Date In History: 1915; The electric neon sign was patented in the United States by George Claude of Paris, France. 1953; Lucy Ricardo gave birth to baby Ricky on I Love Lucy. More people tuned in to watch the show than the inauguration of President Eisenhower.

1955; President Eisenhower okayed the first filming of a news conference for television. 1966; Indira Gandhi was elected prime minister of India. 1981; The United States and Iran signed an agreement paving the way for the release of 52 Americans held hostage for more than 14 months.

1997; Yasser Arafat returned to Hebron for the first time in 30 years, as Israel hands over control of the West Bank city to Palestinians. 2001; President Clinton admitted he made false statements under oath about Monica Lewinsky.

Picture Of The Day: It was another one of those "I can't find any decent pictures" day but I did run across this baby Panda in it's mother's arms and I thought it was cute.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) 99% of all lawyers and politicians give the rest a bad name. 2) A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for. 3) Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 4) Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. Oops, redundant. 5) It is no longer politically correct to say Lesbian. They are now called Vagitarians.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Capricorn January 19th: Although you have been getting gradually more and more tired over the last few days, you'll find new energy this weekend. Silver foil can make a good hat, however, it can also be used as a sheathe should you find yourself lucky during lunch. Discarded sandwiches may prove lucky for any local tramps. God may try to speak to you today through a kitchen appliance.

Birthdays: Sister Jeanne. Happy Birthday, Sis 19XX, James Watt, inventor 1736, Isaiah Thomas, patriot and printer 1749, Robert E. Lee, general 1807, Edgar Allan Poe, American writer 1809, Henry Bessemer, engineer and inventor 1813, Paul Cezanne, painter 1839, Alexander Woollcott, author, critic 1887, Patricia Highsmith, writer 1921, Tippi Hedren, actress 1935, Janis Joplin, singer 1943 Dolly Parton, entertainer 1946, Jim Morris, baseball player 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yeah, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so."

The young fellow asked, "That's it?" His grandfather said, "No, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." The young fellow asked, "What's oral sex?" Grandpa says, "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today." The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a man sitting next to her said, "Happy birthday ma'am. I'd like to buy you a drink, as well." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water." The bartender said, "Coming right up."

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

That's it for today my little hush puppies. Remember, honesty may be the best policy, but by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. I think I'll mosey on over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Hey Jimmy, the lady is right about that water!!!

Also that one about OS, oral sex don't work for us, I can't hear,So I won't know when we are finished!!!!

Paula said...

Hey Jimmy you got it "in" for old people today? At least it gives the nuns a break. lol

Julie said...

Loved the printable things, all so true.