Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Protection For Politicians And To Protect The American Public

Politicians are now concerned about their safety after the recent Arizona tragedy. By the same token Americans are concerned about their own safety as well. Well I've come up with a product that politicians can use for protection and the American pubic will be protected as well.

It's call "Safe Politics" and if you refer to the above picture, you can see how useful the product can be in protecting our leaders while protecting the American public at the same time.

I did consider abstinence and the rhythm method, but Joe O'Biden has no rhythm at all and Barack O'Bozo's white genes seem to kick in when he's at bat, so the rhythm method is out.

The News As I See It: A new study shows that a woman's tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House.

The new Speaker of the House, John Boehner has chosen an enormous gavel. I'm telling you, if in four hours, that gavel is still that size, he's got to call a doctor. I think somebody’s compensating for his small government.

Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to John Boehner. It was a very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched eyebrows.

Due to the recession there are now 15,000 less lawyers. Nobody ever talks about the good things that happen because of the recession.

Hugh Hefner’s new 24-year-old wife claims that she can’t see the 60-year age difference. She apparently can’t tell the difference between a grape and a raisin either. He’s 84 and she’s 24. In six years, she’ll be 30, and he’ll be — dead. Hefner’s wife says they like doing things together, like taking long walks to the bathroom.

The new Republican-controlled House of Representatives decided to start things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. Then there was a break for lunch and a slave auction.

This Date In History: 1773; The first public museum in the U.S. was established in Charleston, S.C. 1896; H. L. Smith took the first X-ray photograph. It was a hand with a bullet in it. 1915; The U.S. House of Representatives rejected a proposal to give women the right to vote. 1932; Hattie W. Caraway, a democrat from Arkansas became the first woman to be elected to the U.S. Senate.

1964; One month after Zanzibar became independent, the ruling Zanzibar Nationalist Party was overthrown in a violent coup. 1991; A divided Congress gave President Bush the go-ahead on the Persian Gulf War. 1998; Nineteen European countries signed an agreement banning human cloning.

Picture Of The Day: They're called reality cartoons and they struck me so I thought I'd present them to you for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. 2) The Native American definition for "lousy hunter" is vegetarian. 3) They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken. 4) The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. 5) She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.......and that's five !

Birthdays: John Hancock, political leader in the American Revolution and signer of the Declaration of Independence 1737, Charles Perrault, poet 1628,
Edmund Burke, political writer and statesman 1729, John Singer Sargent, painter 1856, Jack London, novelist 1876, P. W. Botha, political leader 1916, James Farmer, civil rights leader 1920, Joe Frazier, Chamion heavyweight boxer 1944, Rush Limbaugh, radio personality

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man and his wife were at home watching TV. He had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

A was not happy with his wife's mood swings so he bought her a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor her moods. He found that when she was in a good mood, it turns green. He also discovered that when she's in a bad mood it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. He said, "You have so much to live for. I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day,and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. The captain asked, "What are you doing here?" The woman replied, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe." The captain said, "I see."

Her conscience got the best of her and she added,"plus, he's screwing me." The captain replied, "He certainly is. This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. He said, "Doc, my wife's seeing another man. I feel like killing her. Please tell me what I should do." The doctor thought for a moment. The doctor said, "Look, here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to have sex with your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex." The grateful patient said, "Great, I'll start with this right away."

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face. Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward. The doctor said, "What happened to you? What happened to your wife?" The patient reassured him, "Don't worry, doc. Five more days and she'll be dead."

Before Gertrude became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. She said, "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." The boyfriend said, "Really? And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

That's it for today my little cocoa nuts. Remember, when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense. It's hump day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

The prenupts are the best deal Hugh's wife ever got. Then again he thinks he has found the fountain of youth.

He never did look that dumb, but then........

I'm sure he loves playing in a cathedral.

Paula said...

Thanks for telling us how to prevent old age. I gotta quit that napping.

Julie said...

Lots of money do seem to blur those age lines, don't it, LOL. Given the same, ahem, attributes I might do the same thing. I like raisins!

Thanks again for the laughs.