I Can't Button My Damned Jeans !

I usually control my weight by exercising daily, but I am painfully coming to a new conclusion. I can no longer eat anything I want, any time I want. This has always been my life style. I was putting on my jeans this morning and they were way too tight. I immediately took them off and headed to the closet assuming I mistakenly put on a smaller pair of jeans that I wear If I lose a few pounds.

To my chagrin, they were the right jeans. The problem is that it kills me to button them. Even so, using the old "lie down on the bed" trick (that I learned from my ex-wife) to accomplish the feat, the term "muffin top" immediately comes to mind. I've always used my own "why don't you lie down on the bed?" trick many times in the past, but that's a different type of trick and now it has taken on a whole new meaning.

In my defense, I did injure my ankle last week and it has been hurting so much that I haven't exercised in ten days. Nevertheless, methinks the days of cold pizza at 5:00 am after a night of bar hopping and partying may have to be curtailed until I can locate my 2010 body. Drat !

The News As I See It: President Obozo recently signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in the military. No more don't ask don't tell! But what has he really done, is cause more confusion in the ranks. This is what now can happen. So for the moment, imagine you're in a combat situation; the enemy is firing at you and running toward your position. The guy next to you is openly gay, when someone yells out, "Shoot the c**ksucker!" Can you see the confusion?

Have you noticed that, with the extreme snow storms roaring across America, you can't tell who the homeless people are. Everybody in the street is wearing two coats, five sweaters, gloves, ear muffs and two hats. Of course, winter means you break out last year's coat which....reminds you of last winter. The first thing you do is put your hands in the pockets and you realize that you didn't have any money last year either. You did, however, have a need for Chapstick and you find the receipt for a rash ointment that required a prescription....but I digress.

This Date In History: 1606; Guy Fawkes, a co-conspirator in the Gunpowder Plot, was executed. 1865; Robert E. Lee was appointed commander-in-chief of the Confederate forces. 1865; The House of Representatives approved the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which abolished slavery in the United States.

1940; The first social security check was issued to Ida Fuller for $22.54. 1958; The first U.S. earth satellite, Explorer I, was launched. 1990; The first McDonald's opened in Russia.

Picture Of The Day: A photoshop picture of Hillary O'Clinton and her stand on the tensions and turmoil in Egypt. There are all these protests going on in Egypt. I don’t know what they’re about, but it might have something to do with elections. Or, that the streets in Cairo are so overcrowded there’s not enough room to "walk like an Egyptian."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a postcard from a blonde girlfriend of mine. It said, "Having a good time. Where am I?" 2) A man got caught cheating on his wife with his blonde secretary. She found lipstick on his collar, covered with White-Out. 3) A blonde was worried that her mechanic might try to rip her off. She was relieved when he told her all she needed was turn-signal fluid. 4) AOL reminds me of an old blonds girlfriend. Just when I think the connection has been established, it suddenly says, "Goodbye." 5) My blonde lady friend thinks an "innuendo" is an Italian suppository......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: If I take the Ginko, I might be able to remember where I put the Viagra......

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - January 31st: The computer you are trying to access has forbidden you entry as it deems your horoscope too scary. Many of the people you admire are going to have incredible fortune this week. It turns out that the anti-stalking court orders they've filed against you are completed.

Birthdays: My pals Lisa and Tressa. Happy Birthday ladies 19XX, Franz Schubert, Austrian composor 1797, Zane Grey, author 1872 Tallulah Bankhead. actress 1902, John O'Hara, novelist and short-story writer 1905, Thomas Merton, religious writer and poet 1915, Jackie Robinson, baseball player 1919, Carol Channing, comedienne, singer 1921, Norman Mailer, writer 1923, Minnie Driver, actress 1970, Justin Timberlake, pop musician 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man goes into Border's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man says, "Yeah that's the one, I'll take a copy please.

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?

A man went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for his annual checkup. She told him that he had to quit masturbating. He asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

A young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. The reporter asks, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said, thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard and I don't smoke or drink." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your paper."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes." Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face.The father realizes the boy has aspirated the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter. She then gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants. She takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" The woman replies, "No, divorce attorney."

Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Mooo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that."

That's it for today my little butter beans. Remember, eat your spinach and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.You'll also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyl. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !