Monday, January 3, 2011

A Return To Normalcy

I'm just about "holiday'd" out! I don't want to see any more decked halls of holley, jolly people and especially jolly people with gay apparel. I hate to even admit that parties are beginning to get to me but I'll reserve that decision until Friday. Maybe a week of calm and sterile living will cure my ails.

Junk mail will hopefully be reduced back down to a pound a day and most of the neighbors will take down their lawn ornaments, lights and Christmas trees. Of course, some just leave their Christmas lights up year 'round in case Christmas sneaks back in July.

I have not been reduced to the point of blurting out "Bah, humbug!" yet, but I was only a .38 round away taking out a person who was still wishing people a Merry Christmas on January the second. And the best part? All the little darlings returned to school today and Santa's in Florida catching some well deserved rays. Silent night(s) again.....

The News As I See It: Jerry Brown was sworn in today as California's new governor. I predict Brown will continue the tradition of running the state into the ground and bankruptcy. In the interim, "Ahnold" will probably either become an English teacher at UCLA or return to making really shitty movies.

Last year, during a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. In the old days, when Republicans found themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it was in Dick Cheney's basement.

In 2010, it wasn't that the Democrats were playing checkers and the Republicans were playing chess. It's that the Republicans were playing chess and the Democrats were in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

President Obozo held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be a good place to start. You know where else would have been a good place to start? Two years ago! Obozo won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer.

This Date In History: 1521; Martin Luther excommunicated by Pope Leo X. 1777; George Washington defeated Cornwallis's forces at the Battle of Princeton. 1833: Britain seized control of the Falkland Islands. 1870 Construction of the Brooklyn Bridge began.

1920; The New York Yankees acquired Babe Ruth and so began the "curse of the Bambino" that haunted the Boston Red Sox until 2004. 1947; Congressional proceedings were televised for the first time. 1958; Sir Edmund Hillary reached the South Pole overland. 1959; Alaska became the 49th state in the United States.

1962; Pope John XXIII excommunicated Fidel Castro. 1967; Jack Ruby, the man who shot John Kennedy's assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, died. 1987; Aretha Franklin became the first woman to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 1990; Manuel Noriega surrendered to U.S. forces.

Picture Of The Day: 2011 has arrived and it will hopefully be a better year. I just hope I can decide whether to watch Black Entertainment Television (BET) or the new Oprah Network. Decisions, decisions, decisions.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke. 2) Hawaii - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. 3) Researchers have finally released the ingredients in Viagra: 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, and 95% "Fix a Flat". 4) Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. 5) Credit cards are very dangerous. Every time I try to use one, somebody starts chasing me with scissors.......and that's five !

Birthdays: Cicero, orator 106 B.C., Anne Ayres, nun 1816, Father Damien, missionary 1840, J.R.R. Tolkien, author 1892, ZaSu Pitts, actress 1894, Victor Borge, pianist, comedian 1909, Sergio Leone, filmmaker 1929, Mel Gibson, actor, director, producer 1956, Michael Schumacher, auto racer 1969, Danica McKellar, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The first grade teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" One child answers, "A horsy." The teacher asks. And what is this?" Another youngster answers, "A piggy." The teacher holds up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers and asks, "How about this one?"

There was no answer, only total silence. The teacher coaxes, "Come now, children, I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" One little girl exclaims, "I know! I know! It's a horny bastard!"

Two college football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ____." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder and asked, "Pssst, Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." Bubba said, "Oh yeah, I remember now."

Bubba picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then, he stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" Tiny answered, "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. She said, "You need to use 'Big People' words." She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." The teacher said, "No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. Mitchell said, "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a Train. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done. He said, "I read a book." The teacher replied, "That's wonderful. What book did you read?" Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Shit."

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." The child asked, "What's that mean?" Her mother said, "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

That's it for today my little new year's resolution breakers. Remember, life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

We are expecting Belle home, but I don't think the dude can push the two more rows of RV's between us!!
However he already had a crowd of these old geezers cheering him along, so he might make it before Sher gets out the dish pan of cold water!!!

Thanks for the laughs and Merry Chr... oh I forgot. have a good night!

Paula said...

I absolutely hate Christmas lights in July but my neighbor still has them up from last Christmas. Wonder why they didn't turn them on?

Heli gunner Tom said...

Hi Jimmy,
We both feel the same way about all the false hypocritical merry making after Christmas-- and now it's time to get back to the real business of the People. I saw my "new" VA doctor [male] today in Milwaukee, and he thought I ought to be ALL HEALED UP NOW, after knee replacement surgery on Dec.6th! Ha! I need to buy some chest waders to stay above all the VA- BS... lol.

Tom S

Julie said...

I am tired of the season by now finally also. But I still have to get the darn tree down. I don't trust Rick to store my wonderful ornaments correctly. If it hits the box, he considers it stored!