Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Jimmy Buffett Blew Out His Flip Flop In Australia

Singer-songwriter Jimmy Buffett fell off a concert stage during a show in Sydney, Australia, Wednesday, according to his manager and a hospital spokeswoman. The doctors say he is doing well and will be released tomorrow.

Buffett, 64, was listed in stable condition at Sydney's St. Vincent's Hospital. Australia's Daily Telegraph newspaper quotes witnesses saying Buffett fell from the Hordern Pavilion stage after singing, "It's been a lovely cruise, I'm sorry it's ended." Jimmy Buffett and his Coral Reefer Band have performed several sold-out shows in Sydney over the past week.

I can identify with Buffett's unfortunate fall as I too have done a one-and-a-half off the stage, as well. And wasn't cause by alcohol. I just took for the proverbial step that wasn't there and fell on my ass. Bottom line, I wasn't injured and fortunately, it was the end of the song anyway and I just went to the bar and ordered a scotch.

The News As I See It: In the State of the Union address last night, President Obozo focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan.

Three Supreme Court justices, Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas, did not attend the State of the Union address. Taking their place was Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson.

A Chicago court ruled that former presidential advisor Rahm Emanuel can’t run for mayor in Chicago. But according to Chicago law, Emanuel can still purchase the position.

Vice President Joe O'Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty.

Chinese President (Who) Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President O'Bozo is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage.

Okra Winfrey announced that she has found her half sister, who was given up for adoption as a child. Then, so no one would feel left out, Okra gave everyone in the audience their own half sister.

This Date In History: 1788; The first European settlers landed in Sydney, Australia. 1802; Congress passed an act calling for establishment of a library within the US Capitol. 1837; Michigan became the 26th state in the United States.

1950; India, three years after gaining its independence from the United Kingdom, formally became a republic. 1979; Former Vice President Nelson Rockefeller died in New York at age 70. 1988; Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera opened on Broadway. It would go on to become the longest-running Broadway show.

1993; Vaclav Havel was elected president of the new Czech Republic. 2001; A magnitude 7.7 earthquake rocked the Indian state of Gujarat, killing more than 20,000 people. 2004; President Hamid Karzai signed the new constitution of Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: Animal pictures, some meaningless, some that require reading between the lines.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 2) Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. 3) Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas and ticks are interested in dogs. 4) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. 5) Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. ......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius January 26th: Every reason you have for doing what you did, is sound. Be grateful that you have a good network of friends and family who can hide you. Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today. Any satisfaction you had about not having a police record, may be undone today. Your prejudices may lead you astray today and leave you requiring four or five stitches.

Birthdays: Charles XIV, king of Sweden and Norway 1763, Douglas MacArthur, American General 1880, Bessie Coleman, aviator 1893, Paul Newman, actor 1925, Jules Feiffer, cartoonist and writer 1927, David Strathairn, actor 1949, Ellen DeGeneres, comedienne, actress 1958, Wayne Gretzky, hockey player 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said, "And what does that tell you?"

Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes said, "Somebody stole our tent."

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it.

He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." Mike says, "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money. There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

A woman is taking a bath when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. Without a towel, she says through the door, "Who is it?" A male voice asks, "Can I come in? It's the blind man."

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway". The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"

That's it for today my little Petunias. Remember, regular naps prevent old age...especially if you take them while driving. It's Hump Day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


kbear said...

I'll take the bird!!!!

jack69 said...

Glad you could make it to the bar after the 1 1/2. Were you cool?

It is not a lot of fun to get here after Sherry. When I laugh, she said are you to the hair lip dog yet?

I said "No but i fugured Rahm would figure a way, now Jimmy had leaked it!!!

Thanks for the laughs. as usual!!

Hope you make it back from Area 51!!!

Rose said...

Loved the Blind Man joke....I was on the floor!

I feel bad that Jimmy Buffett fell off the stage......His songs and crowd make me feel happy!

Happy Hump Day Darling!

Hugs, Rose

Paula said...

I like the blind joke too. Thanks for the laugh tonight.

Julie said...

Loved the printable things, all so true.