Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Note To Self: Journal Entry First, THEN Happy Hour !

I was amused today by a CNN reporter's comment on the freshman class of Congress. He said, "Most of Congress can 'vividly' recall their first day in Congress." I haven't heard that word for a while and I thought, "Hell, I can't 'vividly' recall what I had for breakfast."

Perhaps some of the younger congressmen can recall their first day in Congress but I'd be willing to bet that Harry Reid has to carry a roadmap to even find his office, much less when the pandering asshole came to Congress.

There are a few things that I vividly recall but these recollections are about pleasure, certainly not anything associated with work. As for the Congress, I'm sure that they all remember the first time they accepted a bribe or favor in return for their vote.

Let's hope, for America's sake, that the new Congress (after all of today's hypocritical pomp and circumstance ends) can begin to resolve the real problems namely, jobs, illegal immigrants and the national debt.

Author's Note: I'm feeling a bit Polish, i.e. the cart before the proverbial horse. Today's entry is after returning from Happy Hour so spelling doesn't count. This picture of my cat, Shithead, will give you an idea of my current state of mind.

The 2010 statistics on airport pat-down screening from the TSA are in and congratulations are in order. Here are the findings: Terrorist Plots Discovered 0, Terrorist Caught Or Detained 0, Transvestites 133, Hernias 1,485, Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172, Incontinence 6,418, Enlarged Prostates 8,249, Breast Implants 59,350, Natural Blondes 3. Great work people and thanks for watching out for America.

The News As I See It: The top resolutions that people have made for the new year are giving up junk food, alcohol, smoking, and gambling. So basically, I guess this means that people are no longer going to 7-Eleven.

The captain of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier has been relieved of command for appearing in raunchy videos on the ship. They are calling this the most embarrassing video involving Navy personnel since that guy from the Village People.

Two tons of confetti were dumped in Times Square for New Year’s Eve. They’re being very careful cleaning it up, in order to not disturb all the garbage on the New York streets. New York had two feet of snow and everyone is blaming Mayor Bloomberg and asking where he was during the blizzard. He’s not that tall, he could have been buried in snow. I hope this doesn’t hurt his chances of becoming king of New York.

Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab. Gentlemen, start your blenders and please don’t judge Lindsay until you’ve stumbled a mile in her shoes.

Christine O’Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. Personally, I think it’s a witch hunt.

This Date In History: 1896; A German newspaper reported German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen's discovery of X-rays. 1914; Henry Ford introduced the $5-a-day minimum wage. 1925; Nellie Tayloe Ross became the first woman governor of a state (Wyoming). 1972; President Nixon ordered the development of the space shuttle. 2000; INS Commissioner Doris Meissner ruled that 6-year-old Elian Gonzalez must be returned to Cuba.

Picture Of The Day: I liked this pic even before today's Congressional exchanging of the gavel. Cute...and appropriate !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've always wanted a job in international affairs because 90% of them happen in a foreign country. Besides, I've never had an international affair. 2) You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. 3) It seems to be that one could have a great time with a bushel of apples and the doctor's wife. 4) Have you noticed that you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him wear swim trunks? 5) You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like, being spanked every day by a middle aged woman.......and that's five !

Birthdays: Zebulon Pike, explorer 1779, Constantin Stanislavsky, actor, producer, teacher 1863, Konrad Adenauer, West German chancellor 1876, George Reeves, actor 1914, Robert Duvall, actor 1931, Umberto Eco, novelist, essayist, and scholar 1932, Hayao Miyazaki, filmmaker, animator 1941, Diane Keaton, actress, director 1946, Bradley Cooper, actor 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Two old men, Fred and Murray were enjoying friendly conversation when Murray asked, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" Fred replied, "Great! They taught us all the latest psychological techniques. Visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." Murray said, "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" Murray said, "You mean a rose?" Fred said, "Yes, that's it!" He called out to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Dutch for her contribution to today's stories.

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. He said, "You don't have to let your wife bully you. Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.

He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes."

He continued, "Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" His wife calmly turned to him and said, "I certainly do, the undertaker."

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with farting. They never smell and they're always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and they're silent." The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back and says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but now when I fart, they're still silent, but they stink horribly." The doctor said, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on getting you a new hearing aid."

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, "I'll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we'll just tighten the screw a little and the wrinkles will disappear!" The woman was enthused and told the doctor to proceed.

The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, "Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?" The surgeon looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags under your eyes. Those are your tits and if you keep messing around with that screw, pretty soon you'll have a goatee!"

That's it for today my little fireflies. Remember, you have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 78 today and we don't have any idea where the hell she is. It's hump day and I think I'll go to see if Granny's at happy hour in AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

wish I had one of those screws and I promise I wouldn't mess with it too much.

jack69 said...

I was in the same class with Fred, the USAF sent me. I remembered everything on the table, knew what was removed, never did know the instructors name.

However I ain't worrried about the ladies bags either, but that goat-tee is gonna be embarrassing!!!!

Hope you made it back from Area 51,