What's Your Sign?

Well, that does it ! All these years, I have been told that I'm a Taurus. Now, according to the new Zodiac charts, it seems that I am an Aries. No offense, but I don't want to be an Aries. It also seems that I am on the cusp between Aries and Taurus, so chances are I'm a Clitaurus.

Frankly, I don't believe in the Zodiac, but, back in the day, one of the starter conversations at the disco bars was "What is your sign?" So, I had to learn what sign I was in case the bimbette I was hitting on asked me about my sign. I also remember asking many women what their sign was and I later found out that there was no such thing as a "Stop Sign".

To make things more confusing, now it seems there is a 13th sign referred to as Ophiuchus (Nov. 29 - Dec. 17). The first thing I realized is that I have no idea how to pronounce it, but I will learn. Secondly, I'm told that the last day of the Ophiuchus sign and the first day of the next sign is referred to as "on the cusp" and is called "Son of Abiuchus."

Well, you know what? I think I'll just continue being a Taurus and let the stars move as they please.

The News As I See It: Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers.

Former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger starts a speaking tour later this month. Tickets are selling for between $270 and $427. Imagine how much they would charge if he could actually speak English?

It looks like "Sarah Palin's Alaska" won't be back for a second year. How does that make her feel? She was governor, almost vice president. She gets one year. Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is on her third year.

This Date In History: 1706; Benjamin Franklin was born in Boston. 1806; James Madison Randolph, the grandson of Thomas Jefferson, became the first child born in the White House. 1893; Hawaii's Queen Liliuokalani was forced to abdicate by a group of planters and businessmen.

1945; Swedish diplomat Raoul Wallenberg disappeared in Hungary while in Soviet custody. 1977; Gary Gilmore became the first person executed in the U.S. since the death penalty was reintroduced. 1991; Operation Desert Storm was launched against Iraq.

1998; President Clinton became the first sitting U.S. president to testify as a defendant in a criminal or civil suit. 2001; Gov. Gray Davis declared a state of emergency concerning California's electricity crisis.

Picture Of The Day: Today's just one of those days that I snagged what I could find. I guess everyone's at the Martin Luther King Jr parade on Martin Luther King Jr Boulevard, Any City, USA.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it? 2) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole stupid box to start a campfire? 3) I saw a woman wearing a tight tee shirt with "Guess" on it, so I said "Implants?" 4) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 5) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a bitch.......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Birthdays: My pal Jack - Happy Birthday 19XX, Benjamin Franklin, American Statesman 1706, David Lloyd George, statesman 1863, Robert Maynard Hutchins, educator 1899, Nora Kaye, ballerina 1920, James Earl Jones, actor 1931, Muhammad Ali, champion heavyweight boxer 1942, Jim Carrey, actor, comedian 1962, Naveen Andrews, actor 1969, Kid Rock, rock musician 1971, Zooey Deschanel, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" The man asked, "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" The policeman said, "No, you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly woman in the passenger seat that gave you away."

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. The cop says to the driver, "Where have you been?" The drunk slurs, "Why, I've been to the pub of course." The cop says, "It looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". The drink smiled and said, "That I did, all right."

The cop folds his arms and says, "Did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" The drunk says, "Oh, thank God, for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." The others ask, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?"

The third woman says, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

Garnett walks into a bar and sees his friend Jack slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks, "Jack what's wrong?" Jack says, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" Garnett replies with a laugh, "Yes, I do." Jack says, "Well, I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." Garnett says, "That's great! When are you going out?"

Jack says, "I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so that if I did get an erection, it wouldn't show." Garnett says, "That was a good idea!" Jack says. "So, I get to her door and I rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." Garnett says, "And what happened then?" Jack says, "I kicked her in the face."

When a woman wears leather clothing a man's heart beats quicker and his throat gets dry. He goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new truck.....

That's it for today my little jelly beans. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !