Friday, January 7, 2011

Where Eagles Dare !

The Congress is already starting off on the wrong foot but for the moment, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt. There is talk of Democrats and Republicans playing "chicken" with the national debt ceiling and bickering has already begun. I think both parties should take into consideration the mating plight of the bald eagle, America's national emblem.

When eagles mate, they soar to a very high altitude and engage in the act of mating. They then plummet towards the ground at amazing speed while in the act of mating and they do not uncouple until the mating act is complete.

Now I enjoy sex as much as the next person, but the thought of falling towards certain death while having sex makes me a bit nervous. I don't know about you, but if I was an eagle looking for a mate and these were the rules of mating, I'd have a few preconditions in mind.

First and foremost, she'd have to be a very beautiful eagle. Secondly, I'd prefer if she had a fear of heights. These things considered, we would than engage in the mating act and began plummeting towards earth. If it looked like we were not going to be able to consummate the act before crashing to earth, I think I'd fake it.

The News As I See It: Republicans took control of the House for the first time in four years. They say they’re going to stick to a strict interpretation of the Constitution. I hope women and non-whites didn't enjoy voting. Meanwhile, I'm not real sure about the new speaker John Boehner. His tendency to cry every time he stubs his toe kind of bothers me. As for his phallic choice of the gigantic gavel, perhaps that makes up for other inadequacies.

The last speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi, has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you’ve got the Creamsicle of the House. They now say that our national debt will have to be paid off by our children. So thank God for Kate Gosselin and the Octomom.

Two people won the Mega Millions lottery. If you missed the drawing, the winning numbers were...not yours. I hope the lottery winner is someone who needs the money, who’s been living in their car and eating out of the garbage, like Randy Quaid. The lottery preys on peoples’ hopes of getting rich without doing anything. People should get their money the old fashioned way: Be born a Kardashian.

A new study found that two thirds of the instructional CPR videos on YouTube are incorrect. But if you need help and your buddies are looking for CPR instructions on YouTube, you’re probably going to die.

This Date In History: 1896; Fanny Farmer published her first cookbook. 1927; Transatlantic commercial telephone service began between New York and London. 1953; Harry Truman announced that the U.S. had developed the hydrogen bomb.

1955; Marian Anderson made her Metropolitan Opera debut. 1979; Vietnamese forces captured the Cambodian capital of Phnom Penh, overthrowing Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge government. 1989; Japan's Emperor Hirohito died. 1999; The impeachment trial of President William Clinton began in the Senate.

Picture Of The Day: With the exception of the photoshop picture of the new Speaker of the House, the rest of today's pictures are some of the best I've seen in a while.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never buy a Rolex from someone who is out of breath. 2) Never entrust your life to a surgeon with more than three Band-Aids on his fingers. 3) Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 4) Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 5) Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone South for the Winter.......and that's five !

Birthdays: St. Bernadette, saint 1844, Millard Filmore 13th President of the Unite Sates 1800, Francis Poulencm composer and pianist 1899, Zora Neale Hurston, author 1901, Charles Addams, cartoonist 1912, David Caruso, actor 1956, Katie Couric, broadcast journalist 1957, Nicolas Cage, actor 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.

The truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck and looked in his rear-view mirror, but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road" The priest said "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

A lawyer, lying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it. As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" The lawyer replied, "I'm looking for loopholes!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her, he says, "Hi there, good looking, how's it going?" Having already downed quite a few drinks, she turns around, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I'm horny and I don't have time for small talk. I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place or mine." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.

All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "What's the catch?"

That's it for today my little beannie babies. Remember, never pick up a hitchhiking spleen, you don't know where it's been. Of course, if you're driving a pickup truck it can always ride in the back. Friday - Happy Hour - AREA 51 - Need I say more?Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

8 comments:

Paula said...

Good advice from Printable Things.

jack69 said...

Hey Jimmy, I knew the lady lawyer in the bar!!!

I ain't doing the eagle thing, not even off the bed!!!!

jack69 said...

Although, I thihnk I could complete everything (on my side) without faking it in the fall from the bed!!

Julie said...

I love the photos today, especially the robin, so pretty.

Missie said...

Happy belated New Year! Sorry I haven't been around much.

~mel said...

The eagle parody ~ 2 funny. I would think that a precondition would be that she loved high heights versus a fear of them. The higher up ~ the longer the fall.

Martha (MM) said...

I've missed you Jimmy! Hope the new year is treating you right ::cheers::

madcobug said...

I agree with Paula. I agree with Julie on the pictures. Helen