Today is Cyber Monday, immediately followed by "Identity Theft Tuesday." It's just a gimmick, but look it this way. At least you avoid Black Friday's dressing room problems. You won't hear the person in the next booth say, "Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!" Another good thing is you don't need pepper spray.
A lot of my friends are doing their shopping today. My friend said if he didn’t buy his kids a new Playstation to use as a baby sitter, he couldn’t go to happy hour every night. Another good thing about shopping online is that it's easier to shove an old lady out of the way at Walmart to grab a $2 waffle iron deal.
As for me, I hate all forms of shopping, but when push comes to shove, I'd rather shop online. The good thing is that whatever I needed to buy was purchased months ago, so now I just sit back and enjoy the melees and scuffles.
The News As I See It: China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn't tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Twilight movie.
A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk Obama into coming back and finishing his term.
This Date In History: 1520; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan passed through the strait which bears his name to the Pacific ocean. 1919; American-born Lady Astor became the first woman to take a seat on the British Parliament. 1942; Almost 500 people died in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire in Boston.
1943; Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin met in Tehran for their first meeting during World War II. 1964; The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 4 launched—on its way to the first successful mission to Mars. 1990; Margaret Thatcher resigned as prime minister of Great Britain; John Major took over.
Picture Of The Day: The pizza guy had the right idea. What a weekend.... Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Cyber Monday and tomorrow....Identity Theft Tuesday.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend bought a new phone on Black Friday. He took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall and pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. 2) I'm looking forward to the Daytona 500 mile race in February and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast. 3) My cousin used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. 4) Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories. 5) I changed the message on my answering sevice. It says, "I'm not available right now, but thank you for calling. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes....."and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 28th: If you didn't spend all of your money on Black Friday, then today's Cyber Monday sale may be that day to purchase a little something for yourself. Of course, remember to save a few shekels to send to my charity, "Send Jimmy To Las Vegas." Donations are running a bit slowly but "tis the season." Chance of romance is 30 percent, with partly clouded skies.
Birthdays: John Bunyan, author 1628, Friedrich Engels, socialist 1820, Anton Rubinstein, pianist, composer 1829, John Wesley Hyatt, inventor 1837, Henry Bacon, architect 1866, Berry Gordy, Jr., record company founder and executive 1929, Randy Newman, singer, composer 1943, Ed Harris, actor 1950, Jon Stewart, TV personality 1962.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A old man went into the job center in downtown Denver and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and said, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."
The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then you apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, rubbing in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
The old man said, "Good grief....is that where the job is?" The clerk said, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."
It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when Anthony, the pharmacist, saw a young, buxom blonde walk into the drugstore. The beautiful blonde sashayed up to the counter and asked Anthony, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"The pharmacist replied, "Yes ma'am, we do. Would you like to buy some?"
The blonde responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Cajun Mawhoney and Garnett for their contributions to today's stories.
Two Mexicans drug runners are stuck in the desert after illegally crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." Pepe says, "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
Luis says, "Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!" Pepe says, "Luis, maybe eet ees a meerage? We ees een the desert don't forget." Luis answers, "Pepe, seens when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smells like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" Pepe says, "Luis mi amigo, what ees it?" Luis sas, "Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush."
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?’"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress." That ended the interview.....
A man is getting on a flight and he hears that the Pope is on the flight. He thinks, "What a good place to be today." So he is boarding and he doesn't see the Pope and figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong. He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty next to him. Just before the flight closes on walks the Pope and sits next to him.
The man figures he is surely blessed, a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me. So the plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts and the man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag and takes out a crossword book.
Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help. Well the flight continues and the Pope is working his way through the puzzle and the man notices that the Pope is tapping his pencil thinking.
The Pope turns to him and asks "I usually don't talk to others on flights but I wonder if you can help me."The man says, "Anything your eminence. What is it?" The Pope says, "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says "The only word I can think of is aunt." The pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
That's it for today my little whipper snappers. Remember, a married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !