Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Gettin' Close To Party Time !

As we get closer to the holidays, more and more parties are on the horizon and frankly, that's some of the best times of the year. People who normally drink socially get a chance to watch those who rarely touch liquor get the holiday spirit and use the proverbial lampshade as a hat.

Amusing as it is, one has to keep an eye out for the fellow imbiber whose car keys will have to be taken away so that he doesn't kill himself or anybody else. Most people can handle their liquor, but for the few partying amateurs, things can get out of hand. Just a reminder to people who normally don't drink, it's just like sex. Slow and easy does it every time.

For those of you who are unaware, I have a new music site that contains all of my recordings and videos. You can play individual songs or the entire set as if it were a jukebox, similar to my music playlist on the left sidebar. If you would be so kind, please stop by the site and become a fan and also click "like" button for Facebook. I appreciate it.

Here is the link:

The News As I See It: Obama attended the first college basketball game ever played on an aircraft carrier. Don't confuse that with the NBA. That's a bunch of guys not playing basketball on a sinking ship.

There was a Republican debate on Saturday and Ron Paul got upset because he only got to speak for 89 seconds. Seriously? Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something.

Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman accused his Republican opponents of coming up with easy sound bites just to get cheap applause. In response, Mitt Romney was like, "That is ridiculous. As Obama said in his 2008 election campaign, "Clap if you want free ice cream!'"

Last weekend in New York, two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath, and Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath.

Starbucks announced plans to open a line of juice bars. They would have done this years ago but it took them a while to figure out how to burn orange juice.

This Date In History: 1864; General Sherman and his troops began their "March to the sea" during the Civil War. 1907; Oklahoma became the 46th state. 1933; The United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.

1973; President Nixon signed the bill authorizing the construction of the Trans-Alaska Pipeline. 2004; President George W. Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice to replace Colin Powell as secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: I spotted some pictures of some of my favorite liquors and I thought post them for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend told me, he needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 2) A twofold national problem is how to preserve the wilderness in the country and get rid of the jungle in the cities. 3) An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person. 4) As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two... 5) At six, I was left an orphan. What the hell is a six year old supposed to do with an orphan?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 16th: Timid creatures are often those to find first love. Be less brash, learn to control your flailing arms and farting less. Why not grin like a Cheshire cat? By the way, it's hump day and I know you want to go to happy hour. Just remember that the word "hump" refers to getting over the top of a peak or hill (or in this case mid-week) and not what you were thinking.

Birthdays: My pal Pam - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, W. C. Handy, songwriter 1873, George S. Kaufman, dramatist and journalist 1889, Burgess Meredith, actor 1907, Jose Saramago, novelist 1922, Chinua Achebe, writer 1930, Elizabeth Drew, journalist 1935, Robert Nozick, political philosopher 1938, Maggie Gyllenhaal, actress 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two young med students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart. But I was wrong, too."

Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked In the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head. In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama and told him to drink it all. Barack drank the concoction and said,"That tasted like bullshit!" The doctor replied, "It was! You were a quart low."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby very diligently. Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "Smack him again! He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

The farmer said, "Why thank you very much," and proceeded to walk the old girl home.On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens!"

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" The guy says, "That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. The midget says, "A female horth." So the guy shows him a prized filly.

The midget says, "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. The midget says, "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So the guy picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

The midget says, "Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth. The midget says, "Nith mouf, can I thee her twat?"

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

That's it for today my little nanny goats. Remember, go now or forever hold your pee. Wednesday is hump day, I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

If I could type this a little slower without laughing about the little fellow and Trot!

Thanks for the laugh, I will send Sherry to the Music site!!!

From near Tequesta, Sherry & jack

Missy said...

I can't handle my liquor so I stick to beer.

I liked your page!

Loved the jokes lol especially the last one. :P


Paula said...

Hope you're having fun at Area 51 about now. Funny jokes.

garnett109 said...

I'm glad i'm not a midget jimmy!