Monday, November 14, 2011

Politics As Usual - Graft, Scandals And The Like

The so-called "Super Committee" is less than 10 days from their deadline and it seems that nothing has been resolved. If the committee fails to come up with a plan to present to Congress, and Congress fails to pass the measure, it would result in automatic politically painful cuts to defense and domestic programs - something neither party wants.

Methinks the term is a misnomer.... A committee? Yes, by definition. Super? Not by the farthest stretch of one's imagination. Super Assholes is a much better term and more aptly describes the committee and Congress in general.

Speaking of assholes, Nancy Pelosi apparently bought $1 million to $5 million of Visa stock in one of the most sought-after and profitable initial public offerings (IPO) in American history while thwarting and blocking serious credit card reform for two years, then watched her investment skyrocket 203%.

The revelation appears in "Throw Them All Out", the new book by investigative journalist and Breitbart editor Peter Schweizer, which was the focus of 60 Minutes on CBS this evening, and which is featured in this week’s issue of Newsweek.

Schweizer’s investigation of Pelosi and other members of Congress – from both parties – raises a critical question: should it be legal for lawmakers to buy stocks in companies directly affected by their legislative efforts?

The News As I See It: There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California.

The Italian prime minister has stepped down. He's looking forward to spending more time with his wife and five hookers.

President Obama’s personal assistant Reggie Love has announced he will be leaving the White House. Reggie Love plans to return to his previous job hosting a smooth jazz station in Chicago.

This Date In History: 1851; Herman Melville's novel Moby Dick was published.
1889; Nellie Bly set out to beat Jules Verne's fictional Phileas Fogg's time of 80 days to travel around the world. She did it in 72. 1922; The British Broadcasting Corporation began its domestic radio service. 1969 Apollo 12, the second manned lunar expedition, was launched.

1995; The U.S. federal government began a partial shut down of government services after the U.S. Congress could not pass a budget. 2002; Nancy Pelosi of California became the first woman to lead a party in Congress. 2003; The most distant object ever found in our solar system, named Sedna, was discovered by astronomers at the Mount Palomar Observatory.

Picture Of The Day: Just silly pictures today. Cut me some slack, it's Monday.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In an intellectually equal society, who will be the busboys? 2) The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. 3) Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros. 4) My friend said to me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." I said, "Really? What kind is it?" He said, "Twelve-thirty." 5) I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistani neighbor Abdul standing on his second floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 14th: As we all know, Mondays suck, but oddly enough, it should be a good day for you. Of course, this premise is based on your using common sense, so that idea you had last night should be put on hold. No chance for romance today, but then again, it's Monday, and no one does it on Monday.

Birthdays: Robert Fulton, inventor, engineer, and painter 1765, Claude Monet, painter 1840, Jawaharlal Nehru, first Prime Minister of India 1889, Mamie Eisenhower, First Lady 1896, Aaron Copland, composer 1900, Astrid Lindgren, writer 1907, Boutros Boutros-Ghali, ex-Secretary General of the U.N. 1922, McLean Stevenson, actor 1929, Wendy Carlos, composer and musician 1939, Charles, Prince of Wales, heir to the British throne 1948, Condoleezza Rice, government official 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door." He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?" She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."

The circus came to town and an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, an old man and a female. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip and chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the lion. The lion leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The lion then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the lion by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the lion's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?" The old man spit out his cigar and said, "No problem, just get that lion out of the cage!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: This first story is for Brother Kirt and my pals, Everett and Victor, all employed by or retired from the U.S. Post Office.

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

The mailman says, "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I?'" The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Bob says, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." Bob says, "Probably a good thing you did. Your name came up seven times...."

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking. Jack asked, "What's wrong?" The guy answered, "I've been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs.....the highest crime rate."

Jack interrupted, "Hold on. I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" Jack replied, "I'm the tail gunner on a Budweiser beer truck."

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled "his wife is here with his lunch."

That's it for today my little hula hoops. Remember, we never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

Like the carpet joke.

jack69 said...

I like your political insight.....
There's a fifth woman that claims to have had a problem with Herman Cain. If this keeps up, it seems very unlikely he will be president, although it seems more and more likely he will become governor of California......

ALSO that job as tail gunner ain't bad, but is the trainer job still open??? (Scratch that, Sherry read this stuff!)

Rose said...

I hat many jerkoffs!

Missy said...

I agree with Ms. Paula on the carpet joke.


Julie said...

You're right on form as usual Ole Jimmy. Loved the post.

Missie said...

LMAO! Have a good rest of your week.