Black Friday, a day where normal people lose what little sanity they have and every thief, pickpocket and looney join the fray. I wouldn't shop on this day if they gave me $200. Truth be told, the only time I'm awake at 4 am is when I'm coming home from AREA 51 or getting up to pee.
While I realize the potential savings on merchandise provide some people with a merrier Christmas, there is no chance of seeing my face among the herds of stampeding cattle racing through the stores.
Shootings, fights, violence and general mayhem notwithstanding, to camp out at any store for up to three days prior to Black Friday for savings that will still exist up until Christmas Eve is insane. Hell, I don't even go the the mall on weekends because of the thieves and loonies.
Nope, chances are if you see me in the mall, it will be a Tuesday or Thursday morning around 10 am. It will take me less than two hours to complete my mission, allowing to have a martini lunch at one of my favorite restaurants and then home by 3 pm.
The News As I See It: Colorado police arrested a 31-year-old man for allegedly threatening to blow up a Best Buy when he was told it was sold out of the new release of "Modern Warfare 3."
Remember the $16 muffin, a sign of government spending out of control? It turns out that all the criticism was half-baked.
Coast Guard officials in Florida say they arrested William Hodges when he called them for help when the boat he had stloen ran out of gas.
A woman reported that her car as stolen, and mentionedt hat there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet and the thief was arrested.
This Date In History: 1758; The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and India Wars. 1783; The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War. 1841; The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams.
1947; Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten." 1986 Iran-Contra scandal broke. 1998; Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II. 1999; Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida. 2002; President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.
Picture Of The Day: Lighthearted Black Friday moments and this poor little dog....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine and a romantic dinner. She goes Tuesdays, He goes Fridays. 2) I've been banned from a particular store that sells adjustable beds. I was lying on the bed when an attractive sales woman walked up and asked me what my favorite position was. I'm thinking I should have said "missionary" instead of "doggie style." 3) Sow your wild oats on Friday night, then pray for crop failure on Sunday. 4) You know you've reached middle age when the phone rings on Saturday night, you pray it isn't for you. 5) My friend's wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So he went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 25th: Assuming you weren't injured, maimed or murdered while shopping today, the rest of your evening should go well. Hell, it's Friday, so go out for dinner, dancing and drinks. As an afterthought, be sure your destination is not located within two miles of a mall. I'm just saying.....
Birthdays: Félix Lope de Vega Carpio, dramatic poet 1562, Andrew Carnegie, industrialist and philanthropist 1835, Carry Moore Nation, temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII, religious leader 1881, Virgil Thomson, composer 1896, Ba Jinmodern novelist 1904, Joseph DiMaggio, baseball star 1914, Ricardo Montalbanactor 1920, John Larroquette, actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr., publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant, pop musician 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:TA busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they all dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick ig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, '"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. They tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! They asked, "Who the hell were those guys?" The brick pig said, "Those were my cousins...the Guinea Pigs."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough loving. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner. It took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. The doctor said, "Just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time." They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while
Homer came back to the doctor's office about a month later. The doctor said, "What's wrong? Didn't my idea work?" Homer said, "Oh, it worked real well. Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene would come running. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
The doctor said, "Great Homer, so what's the problem?" Homer said, "I ain't seen her since hunting season started."
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" The man cries, Oh God no! My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?" The surgeon said, "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman’s arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" The man says, "go for it, Doc. As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. The surgeon says, "Hi, how's the new arm?" The businessman replies, "Great! I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." The surgeon said, "That's great."
The businessman continued, "Not only that, my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." The surgeon says, "Wonderful! I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects."
The golfer said, "Well, there is one minor side effect. Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!"
A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman replies, "No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."
That's it for today my cashless little shoppers. Remember, the best way to end the evening is with a prayer. This is one of the prayers I like to use: Lord; These past couple of years have been tough.You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor and my favorite cowboy James Arness. I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama. I'm going to AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !