Let me preface today's entry by establishing the fact that Congress, with a 9% approval rating, is made up entirely of lying, thieving assholes. Of course, their are large assholes like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, but I digress. Congress failed to come up with a plan that would cut 1.2 trillion dollars over 10 years. Well, that about sums it up.
This evening and tomorrow, look for Obozo and all the other lying bastards to put their own particular spin on the failure and point fingers at everyone but themselves.
The News As I See It: Energy Secretary Stephen Chu testified before Congress yesterday that he thought it was a good idea to lend $535 million of our tax dollars to the solar panel company Solyndra right before they went bankrupt. If he'd taken all of that money, put it in a big pile and set it on fire, it would have produced more energy than Solyndra.
There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.
Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya last week and then tried to cover by saying, "Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John."
Vice President O'Biden was in New York recently for the second time in less than a week, just to see if he left his wallet at the M&M'S Store
Paris Hilton is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Paris's maximum capacity is 500 members.
This Date In History: 1783; With the Marquis d'Arlandes, Pilâtre de Rozier made the first free flight in a balloon, reaching a peak altitude of about 3,000 ft and traveling about 5 1/2 mi in 20 min. 1789; North Carolina became the 12th state. 1922 Georgia's Rebecca Felton was sworn into the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman U.S. Senator.
1934; Cole Porter's musical Anything Goes opened in New York City. 1969; For the first time since 1930, the U.S. Senate rejected a Supreme Court nominee, Clement Haynsworth. 1973; The 18 1/2 min gap in the Richard Nixon Watergate tapes was revealed. 1991; Egypt's Boutros Boutros-Ghali was chosen to become secretary-general by the UN Security Council.
Picture Of The Day: This picture has nothing to do with today's entry but I suddenly got a strong desire for a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) According to the Occupy Wall Street web site, demonstrators have scheduled events in New York until the year 2035, at which time they plan to retire and collect Social Security. 2) Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?" 3) A young man scolded me the other day for not paying attention to his question. I apologized and asked him if he had graduated from college. He scowled and said, "I majored in liberal arts." Then he said, "Will that be for here or to go?" 4) What kind of cruel, demented person put an "s" in lisp? 5) Just when I think I've won the rat race along come faster rats.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 21st: It's going to be a good week for you with Thanksgiving and whatnot. Skip Black Friday! It's not where you think it is. Romance is almost a given, especially Thanksgiving evening where chances are you either be taken out of pity or your intended paramour will fall asleep from the tryptophan in the turkey. Either way, it's an easy score.
Birthdays: It's a busy day for my friends' birthdays beginning with my sweetie-pie Tamara, my childhood friend, W.T. (Bill), the lovely Michelle, and the sweet and inimitable C.J. - Happy Birthday all ! 19XX.
Voltaire, French Philosopher and Author whose name was François Marie Arouet de Voltaire 1694, Hetty Green, financier 1834, Rene Magritte, painter 1898, Coleman Hawkins, jazz musician 1904, Stan Musial, baseball player 1920.
Goldie Hawn, actress 1945, Beryl Bainbridge, writer 1953, Tina Brown, magazine publisher 1953, Björk, singer, songwriter 1965, Troy Aikman, football player, TV commentator 1966.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
The old woman said, "They're not hanging Wright tonight." The old man whirled around and screamed, "For the love of God woman, don't you ever stop?"
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the coworker does and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What is sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jean and my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks the man, "What's going on?" The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car,
taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "On average, about a gallon."
TA terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. The investigator says, "Okay Simpson, you were near the scene, what happened?" Simpson says, "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
In horror, the investigator said, "He was smoking in the mixing room?" How long had he been with the company?" Simpson said, "About 20 years, sir" The investigator said, "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room. I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." Simpson said, "It was, sir."
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "It's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
That's it for today my little jitter bugs. Remember, in a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !