Friday, November 18, 2011

My New Webcam

I received a webcam this week as a gift. It has never dawned on me to purchase one, but I wasn't going to turn down a gift. I work from home, so most days, I just get up and hit the 'Net. When I turned on my webcam, I was surprised to see what appeared to be a homeless man on my monitor.

It's now relatively easy to see why Albert Einstein looked so bad in his older pictures. Normally, when I get up and don't have anything scheduled that requires me to leave home, I just roam my abode in sleeping apparel. My cat Shithead doesn't seem to mind, so I just go about my daily routine in an old t-shirt, pajama pants and slippers.

So, here's this silver haired homeless dude, in what appears to be an old, ostensibly white t-shirt, a three day stubbly grey beard and badly fitting CVS reading glasses looking at me on my monitor. He has obviously not bothered to comb his silver locks and I'm thinking, "If someone sees this dude, they'll put him in a home."

I must tell you that the webcam was gifted to me to facilitate an interview with a survey company. Once I realized how bad I looked, it occurred to me that perhaps I should shave, comb my hair and get dressed for the interview.

This morning, at 10 o'clock, I was once again in front of my computer, dressed for the interview. The silver haired old dude was there again, but this time, he looked a little better.....

The News As I See It: The government introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. The food industry says the new rules give schools the flexibility to increase nutrition. The same way elastic waistbands give us the flexibility to keep in shape. Hey, in a world where Kardashians are celebrities, maybe pizzas can be vegetables.

Herman Cain was rambling and embarrassed himself while trying to answer a question about Libya. Some say it proves he’s not qualified to be president. But the good news is, rambling and embarrassing himself does qualify him to be vice president.

Obama is in Australia. When he’s in Australia, his approval ratings go down the toilet in a counter-clockwise motion.

Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there’s one place to confront the nation’s wealthiest one percent, it’s the subway.

This Date In History: 1820; Captain Nathaniel Palmer discovered Antarctica. 1883 Standard time began in the United States. 1886; Chester A. Arthur, the 21st president of the United States (1881–1885), died in New York at 56. 1928; Mickey Mouse made his debut in Steamboat Willie.

1976; Spain's parliament approved a bill to establish a democracy after 37 years of dictatorship. 1978; Jim Jones, a U.S. pastor, led 914 of his followers to their deaths at Jonestown, Guyana, by drinking a cyanide-laced fruit drink. Cult members who refused to swallow the drink were shot.

2003; The Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled 4-3 that the right to same sex marriage was guaranteed by the state constitution. 2004; The UN Security Council held a two-day session in Nairobi. This was the first time it had convened outside of New York headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: A word stolen from my sweet pal Kathy, "Randomosity" describes today's pictures.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say. "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 2) It's said that mother's milk is a perfect formula for the child and it provides immunity against several diseases. Personally, I like the cute containers that it comes in. 3) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 4) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas. 5) Mexicans drive lowriders so they won’t have to get out of the car to pick tomatoes.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 18th: Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good way to start the weekend. Don't worry about the rain. it will clear up by tomorrow night. Hopefully, your skin will clear up as well. Romance and possibly money should be heading your way.

Birthdays: My niece Ashley - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Edward Winslow, founders of Plymouth Colony 1595, Canaletto, Venetian painter 1697, King Mongkut, royalty 1804, Lotte Lenya, singer and actress 1898, Pierre Elliott Trudeau former Prime Minister 1919, Chuck Berry, American rock music guitarist, singer, and songwriter 1926.

George C. Scott, actor 1927, Mike Ditka, football 1939, Lee Harvey Oswald, presumed assassin 1939, Ntozake Shange, writer 1948, Martina Navratilova, tennis player 1956, Jean-Claude Van Damme, actor (?) 1960, Wynton Marsalis, trumpeter, bandleader, and composer 1961, Zac Efron, actor 1987.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has aspirated the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up and puts her coffee cup down. She neatly folds the newspaper, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, to the boy.

The woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes them, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" The woman replied, "No, divorce attorney."

An old man woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where his wife was already fixing breakfast. He looked to see what she was cooking and he saw one of his socks in the frying pan.

The old man asked, "What are you doing?" His wife said angrily, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk." Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "Funny, I don't remember asking her to cook my sock...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. The woman explained, "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed. I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

Jack said, "Don't worry, we'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

Jack dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" Bob said, "Yes, I do." Jack said, "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" A little embarrassed about being found out, Bob said, "Um, yes, I have to admit that I did."

Jack said, "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" Jack said, "She just died and left me everything."

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in New York City. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Occupy Wall Street injury while protesting." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Stepped in dog shit, 20 feet back."

That's it for today my little tweety birds. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. With any luck, I'll be heading to AREA 51 for a happy hour and more. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

7 comments:

Linda's World said...

I have a web cam...we should have a web conference sometime....as lonh as PSH can be part of it. Very cold here, expecting snow this weekend....yuck.

Linda's World said...

I meant to say "as long as PSH can be part of it." My fingers are cold.

Paula said...

Guess I'm glad I don't have a web cam I like to relax in the mornings. Funny jokes.

jack69 said...

Sherry has listened to everything on your music site. She likes it. But she likes Chocolate also.

About that cooking a sock......

I always said, I am glad to be Jack!!!
Thanks for a great read tonight!!!
Sherry & Jack

jack69 said...

Most folk don't know Jack s.. Oh well. On Sherry I meant to say for some reason she likes Chocolate too!

Missy said...

I don't like web cams. I bought one and when I realized that people didn't want to use them to chat, I took it right back.

Jokes are good as always.

Missy

garnett109 said...

Holy shit Jimmy I believe I believe!