I tried to cook a turkey once...once! A few years back, I was watching a cooking show and I thought, maybe I'll cook one for Thanksgiving. So, I bought a small turkey a few days before the holiday. The first problem I encountered was all the junk inside the turkey which I promptly fed to the cat.
I called a lady friend who was cooking for her mom and dad and she gave me a idea of what to do. I got a recipe from the Internet and about twelve hours before the holiday, I started cooking. The first word I learned was turkey baster. Secondly, I learned was that I didn't have one.
Stuffing? I didn't need no stinking stuffing. Besides that, I didn't buy any and I didn't know how to make it anyway. I turned to my spiritual adviser, Johnnie Walker Black and after a few drinks, I realized I was in deep doo-doo.
About twelve hours later, the final result was a dry, over-cooked turkey (which made great sandwiches) and a great appreciation for the people who take the time and effort to cook on Thanksgiving. I also learned that I like Kentucky Fried Turkey......er, chicken.
The News As I See It: Facebook is building its own smart phone. Not to be outdone, there's talk that MySpace is refurbishing an old beeper. Speaking of Facebook, a recent survey showed that the average Facebook user has never met 10 percent of their friends. The article came up in my newsfeed from my friend, the Dalai Lama.
Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us.
Police say the al-Qaida suspect is an American citizen who was originally from the Dominican Republic. Apparently, officials became suspicious when they found someone from the Dominican Republic living in New York and not playing for the Yankees.
Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle.
The super committee chosen by Obozo to come up with a plan to solve the deficit has failed. Don't worry though, Obozo has announced a new plan. Next week, he's appointing a super duper committee.
Microsoft is apparently designing rooms for a hotel in France. You can tell the rooms are from Microsoft. Every time you open the window, they just freeze and need to be reinstalled.
The latest fashion trend in Hong Kong is eyeglasses without any lenses in them. People just wear the frames. The feeling is that they make you intelligent, even though they're totally useless. Kind of like the congressional super committee.
This Date In History: 1889; The first jukebox was installed at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. 1936; First issue of Life magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret Bourke-White, featured the Fort Peck Dam. 1945; U.S. wartime food rationing, of meat, butter, and other foods, ended. 1971; People's Republic of China was seated at the UN Security Council. 2003; Eduard Shevardnadze resigned as president of Georgia.
Picture Of The Day: Thanksgiving pics (what else?)
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence. 2) I'm celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I'm inviting everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, then send them to a reservation and take their land. 3) April showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims ( I apologize for that one). 4) I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to. 5) The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 23rd: Eat light because you know how you stuff yourself on Thanksgiving. This year, the fair thing to do is a flip a coin for the drumsticks. That elbow you gave to Granny last year is still in the back of her mind which means she's out to get you. Hey, at her age, she's got nothing to lose. Forget romance, you'll fall asleep before any chance arises.
Birthdays: John Wallis, mathematician 1616, Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States 1804, William H. Bonney, outlaw A.K.A. Billie The Kid 1859, Manuel de Falla, composer 1876, Boris Karloff, actor 1887, Miley Cyrus,actress 1992.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older woman is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."
No sooner than they get out of the store, she leans over and says to the boy, "You know I've got an itchy pussy." The boy responds, "You'll have to point it out, lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me."
An airline pilot hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" The pilot said, "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidentally cut off all ten off his fingers. He went to the emergency room at the clinic and when he got there the doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's haf da fingers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I hafn't got da fingers."
The doctor cried, "Vhat do you mean, you hafn't got da fingers? Yumpin' yiminy! It's 2005! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds off incredible techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you bring da fingers?" Ole replied, "How da fock was I suppose to pick'em up?"
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads, "Go get help." She says, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with my shoe and go get help."
She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" A drunk sitting nearby looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I think it's too late, lady, he's too far in."
That's it for today my little turkey gobblers. Remember, a diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. It's Wednesday and a great evening to hit AREA 51 for happy hour tonight. Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends and readers. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !