Wednesday, November 30, 2011

This Little Piggy Went To Market.....

San Francisco, the city of Weird, has been snookered by McDonalds. A recent law aimed at making fast food for kids follow nutritional guidelines won't be making Happy Meals healthier, just more expensive if you want a toy. San Francisco also allows public nudity so chances are you'll see some fat assed kid eating naked with his fat-assed mother.....uhg!

Beginning Thursday, it will cost an extra dime in San Francisco to get a toy in a Happy Meal — a move one county supervisor called a marketing ploy prompted by the new law. San Francisco was the first major U.S. city to prohibit fast-food restaurants from including toy giveaways with children's meals that don't meet nutritional guidelines for sodium, calories and fat.

Personally, I believe individuals have the right to buy and eat whatever they like without the city who gave you Harvey Milk sticking their noses in your business. If you're not bright enough to feed your child a balanced diet and an occasional Happy Meal, then maybe San Francisco ought to enact a law barring idiots from procreating. It would fit right in, although it would also eliminate most politicians.

The News As I See It: Obama took his daughters to a bookstore last weekend. Barack bought Malia "The Phantom Tollbooth," while Malia bought Barack "Economics for Dummies." Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. I read all about it on China’s credit card statement.

I shopped online on Cyber Monday and to make myself feel more like I was really at the mall, I pepper sprayed myself. Cyber Monday was sort of like Black Friday without stampedes.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed some Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of the Occupy Los Angeles assholes across the street.

I don't think it's healthy that the holiday sales start on Thanksgiving night. You shouldn’t spend Thanksgiving night in stores fighting with strangers. You should be at home, fighting with your family.

A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress.

Facebook announced that they are developing a phone. In a related story, MySpace announced that they are developing a fax machine.

This Date In History: 1804; Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase was tried for political bias. 1900; Irish author Oscar Wilde died in Paris at age 46. 1940; Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were married.

1966; Barbados became independent of Great Britain. 1974; The fossilized remains of a female human ancestor named Lucy (after the Beatles song Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds) were found in Ethiopia.

1993; The Brady Bill, requiring a five-day waiting period for handgun purchases, is signed. 1995; President Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to visit Northern Ireland.

Picture Of The Day: Mickey D's got around the new law in San Francisco by requiring the toy to be purchased separately for a dime, which would be donated to charity. Even funnier, in the past, if you didn't want the Happy Meal, you could buy the toy for $2 thus insuring your kid got the toy but ate healthier. Now, the toy cannot be purchased separately.....only with the Happy Meal.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I'd be willing to bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than with Kay. 2) I wish that Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 3) Sitting in an office waiting room today, I realized that contestants on Family Feud must be complete morons in order to get on the show. 4) My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. We'll she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. 5) Map Quest really needs to start their directions on number 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 30th: Start your Christmas shopping early because you know how you procrastinate. It's hump day and happy hour should be good. Go for it! In fact, stop by Eddie Rhodes' Riverside Grill, it's his birthday. Uh....remember what I told you about clean underwear.

Birthdays: My friend Eddie Rhodes 19XX, Andrea Palladio, architect 1508, Jonathan Swift, author 1667, Mark Twain, writer, social observer 1835, Winston Churchill, British Statesman, soldier, and author 1874, L. M. Montgomery, novelist 1874, Gordon Parks, photographer, filmmaker, writer 1912, Shirley Chisholm, congresswoman, Trail founder 1924, Dick Clark, TV personality 1929, Ridley Scott, filmmaker 1937, David Mamet, playwright 1947, Ben Stiller, actor, director, comic 1965, Elisha Cuthbert, actor 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There was a loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time, just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
The little girl said, "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'."

The old guy obeys and says,"99."The doctor says, "Great."Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the old guy says, "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The old guy begins, "One... Two... Three..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A rural couple had 9 children.They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. He asked why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His new copilot is Chinese and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don’t like Chinese."

The copilot says, "No rike Chinese? Why not?" The pilot says, "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!" The copilot protests, "No, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." The pilot says, "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese… doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!"

There are a few minutes of silence. Suddenly, the copilot announces, "No rike Jews!" The captain asks, "Why not?? The copilot says, "Jews sink Titanic." The captain exclaims, "Jews didn’t sink the Titanic! It was an iceberg!" The copilot says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah… all same."

That's it for today my little rain dear. Remember, don't worry so much about today. It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. It's hump day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, November 28, 2011

Cyber Mundane !

Today is Cyber Monday, immediately followed by "Identity Theft Tuesday." It's just a gimmick, but look it this way. At least you avoid Black Friday's dressing room problems. You won't hear the person in the next booth say, "Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!" Another good thing is you don't need pepper spray.

A lot of my friends are doing their shopping today. My friend said if he didn’t buy his kids a new Playstation to use as a baby sitter, he couldn’t go to happy hour every night. Another good thing about shopping online is that it's easier to shove an old lady out of the way at Walmart to grab a $2 waffle iron deal.

As for me, I hate all forms of shopping, but when push comes to shove, I'd rather shop online. The good thing is that whatever I needed to buy was purchased months ago, so now I just sit back and enjoy the melees and scuffles.

The News As I See It: China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn't tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Twilight movie.

A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk Obama into coming back and finishing his term.

This Date In History: 1520; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan passed through the strait which bears his name to the Pacific ocean. 1919; American-born Lady Astor became the first woman to take a seat on the British Parliament. 1942; Almost 500 people died in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire in Boston.

1943; Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin met in Tehran for their first meeting during World War II. 1964; The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 4 launched—on its way to the first successful mission to Mars. 1990; Margaret Thatcher resigned as prime minister of Great Britain; John Major took over.

Picture Of The Day: The pizza guy had the right idea. What a weekend.... Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Cyber Monday and tomorrow....Identity Theft Tuesday.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend bought a new phone on Black Friday. He took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall and pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. 2) I'm looking forward to the Daytona 500 mile race in February and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast. 3) My cousin used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. 4) Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories. 5) I changed the message on my answering sevice. It says, "I'm not available right now, but thank you for calling. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes....."and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 28th: If you didn't spend all of your money on Black Friday, then today's Cyber Monday sale may be that day to purchase a little something for yourself. Of course, remember to save a few shekels to send to my charity, "Send Jimmy To Las Vegas." Donations are running a bit slowly but "tis the season." Chance of romance is 30 percent, with partly clouded skies.

Birthdays: John Bunyan, author 1628, Friedrich Engels, socialist 1820, Anton Rubinstein, pianist, composer 1829, John Wesley Hyatt, inventor 1837, Henry Bacon, architect 1866, Berry Gordy, Jr., record company founder and executive 1929, Randy Newman, singer, composer 1943, Ed Harris, actor 1950, Jon Stewart, TV personality 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A old man went into the job center in downtown Denver and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and said, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."

The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then you apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, rubbing in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

The old man said, "Good that where the job is?" The clerk said, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when Anthony, the pharmacist, saw a young, buxom blonde walk into the drugstore. The beautiful blonde sashayed up to the counter and asked Anthony, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"The pharmacist replied, "Yes ma'am, we do. Would you like to buy some?"

The blonde responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Cajun Mawhoney and Garnett for their contributions to today's stories.

Two Mexicans drug runners are stuck in the desert after illegally crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." Pepe says, "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

Luis says, "Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!" Pepe says, "Luis, maybe eet ees a meerage? We ees een the desert don't forget." Luis answers, "Pepe, seens when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smells like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" Pepe says, "Luis mi amigo, what ees it?" Luis sas, "Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush."

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan , was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?’"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress." That ended the interview.....

A man is getting on a flight and he hears that the Pope is on the flight. He thinks, "What a good place to be today." So he is boarding and he doesn't see the Pope and figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong. He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty next to him. Just before the flight closes on walks the Pope and sits next to him.

The man figures he is surely blessed, a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me. So the plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts and the man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag and takes out a crossword book.

Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help. Well the flight continues and the Pope is working his way through the puzzle and the man notices that the Pope is tapping his pencil thinking.

The Pope turns to him and asks "I usually don't talk to others on flights but I wonder if you can help me."The man says, "Anything your eminence. What is it?" The Pope says, "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says "The only word I can think of is aunt." The pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

That's it for today my little whipper snappers. Remember, a married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, November 25, 2011

Black Friday And The Season Begins

Black Friday, a day where normal people lose what little sanity they have and every thief, pickpocket and looney join the fray. I wouldn't shop on this day if they gave me $200. Truth be told, the only time I'm awake at 4 am is when I'm coming home from AREA 51 or getting up to pee.

While I realize the potential savings on merchandise provide some people with a merrier Christmas, there is no chance of seeing my face among the herds of stampeding cattle racing through the stores.

Shootings, fights, violence and general mayhem notwithstanding, to camp out at any store for up to three days prior to Black Friday for savings that will still exist up until Christmas Eve is insane. Hell, I don't even go the the mall on weekends because of the thieves and loonies.

Nope, chances are if you see me in the mall, it will be a Tuesday or Thursday morning around 10 am. It will take me less than two hours to complete my mission, allowing to have a martini lunch at one of my favorite restaurants and then home by 3 pm.

The News As I See It: Colorado police arrested a 31-year-old man for allegedly threatening to blow up a Best Buy when he was told it was sold out of the new release of "Modern Warfare 3."

Remember the $16 muffin, a sign of government spending out of control? It turns out that all the criticism was half-baked.

Coast Guard officials in Florida say they arrested William Hodges when he called them for help when the boat he had stloen ran out of gas.

A woman reported that her car as stolen, and mentionedt hat there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet and the thief was arrested.

This Date In History: 1758; The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and India Wars. 1783; The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War. 1841; The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams.

1947; Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten." 1986 Iran-Contra scandal broke. 1998; Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II. 1999; Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida. 2002; President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.

Picture Of The Day: Lighthearted Black Friday moments and this poor little dog....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine and a romantic dinner. She goes Tuesdays, He goes Fridays. 2) I've been banned from a particular store that sells adjustable beds. I was lying on the bed when an attractive sales woman walked up and asked me what my favorite position was. I'm thinking I should have said "missionary" instead of "doggie style." 3) Sow your wild oats on Friday night, then pray for crop failure on Sunday. 4) You know you've reached middle age when the phone rings on Saturday night, you pray it isn't for you. 5) My friend's wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So he went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 25th: Assuming you weren't injured, maimed or murdered while shopping today, the rest of your evening should go well. Hell, it's Friday, so go out for dinner, dancing and drinks. As an afterthought, be sure your destination is not located within two miles of a mall. I'm just saying.....

Birthdays: Félix Lope de Vega Carpio, dramatic poet 1562, Andrew Carnegie, industrialist and philanthropist 1835, Carry Moore Nation, temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII, religious leader 1881, Virgil Thomson, composer 1896, Ba Jinmodern novelist 1904, Joseph DiMaggio, baseball star 1914, Ricardo Montalbanactor 1920, John Larroquette, actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr., publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant, pop musician 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:TA busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they all dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick ig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, '"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. They tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! They asked, "Who the hell were those guys?" The brick pig said, "Those were my cousins...the Guinea Pigs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough loving. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner. It took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. The doctor said, "Just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time." They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while

Homer came back to the doctor's office about a month later. The doctor said, "What's wrong? Didn't my idea work?" Homer said, "Oh, it worked real well. Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene would come running. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

The doctor said, "Great Homer, so what's the problem?" Homer said, "I ain't seen her since hunting season started."

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" The man cries, Oh God no! My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?" The surgeon said, "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman’s arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" The man says, "go for it, Doc. As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. The surgeon says, "Hi, how's the new arm?" The businessman replies, "Great! I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." The surgeon said, "That's great."

The businessman continued, "Not only that, my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." The surgeon says, "Wonderful! I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects."

The golfer said, "Well, there is one minor side effect. Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!"

A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman replies, "No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."

That's it for today my cashless little shoppers. Remember, the best way to end the evening is with a prayer. This is one of the prayers I like to use: Lord; These past couple of years have been tough.You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor and my favorite cowboy James Arness. I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama. I'm going to AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving !

I tried to cook a turkey once...once! A few years back, I was watching a cooking show and I thought, maybe I'll cook one for Thanksgiving. So, I bought a small turkey a few days before the holiday. The first problem I encountered was all the junk inside the turkey which I promptly fed to the cat.

I called a lady friend who was cooking for her mom and dad and she gave me a idea of what to do. I got a recipe from the Internet and about twelve hours before the holiday, I started cooking. The first word I learned was turkey baster. Secondly, I learned was that I didn't have one.

Stuffing? I didn't need no stinking stuffing. Besides that, I didn't buy any and I didn't know how to make it anyway. I turned to my spiritual adviser, Johnnie Walker Black and after a few drinks, I realized I was in deep doo-doo.

About twelve hours later, the final result was a dry, over-cooked turkey (which made great sandwiches) and a great appreciation for the people who take the time and effort to cook on Thanksgiving. I also learned that I like Kentucky Fried, chicken.

The News As I See It: Facebook is building its own smart phone. Not to be outdone, there's talk that MySpace is refurbishing an old beeper. Speaking of Facebook, a recent survey showed that the average Facebook user has never met 10 percent of their friends. The article came up in my newsfeed from my friend, the Dalai Lama.

Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us.

Police say the al-Qaida suspect is an American citizen who was originally from the Dominican Republic. Apparently, officials became suspicious when they found someone from the Dominican Republic living in New York and not playing for the Yankees.

Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle.

The super committee chosen by Obozo to come up with a plan to solve the deficit has failed. Don't worry though, Obozo has announced a new plan. Next week, he's appointing a super duper committee.

Microsoft is apparently designing rooms for a hotel in France. You can tell the rooms are from Microsoft. Every time you open the window, they just freeze and need to be reinstalled.

The latest fashion trend in Hong Kong is eyeglasses without any lenses in them. People just wear the frames. The feeling is that they make you intelligent, even though they're totally useless. Kind of like the congressional super committee.

This Date In History: 1889; The first jukebox was installed at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. 1936; First issue of Life magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret Bourke-White, featured the Fort Peck Dam. 1945; U.S. wartime food rationing, of meat, butter, and other foods, ended. 1971; People's Republic of China was seated at the UN Security Council. 2003; Eduard Shevardnadze resigned as president of Georgia.

Picture Of The Day: Thanksgiving pics (what else?)

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence. 2) I'm celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I'm inviting everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, then send them to a reservation and take their land. 3) April showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims ( I apologize for that one). 4) I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to. 5) The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 23rd: Eat light because you know how you stuff yourself on Thanksgiving. This year, the fair thing to do is a flip a coin for the drumsticks. That elbow you gave to Granny last year is still in the back of her mind which means she's out to get you. Hey, at her age, she's got nothing to lose. Forget romance, you'll fall asleep before any chance arises.

Birthdays: John Wallis, mathematician 1616, Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States 1804, William H. Bonney, outlaw A.K.A. Billie The Kid 1859, Manuel de Falla, composer 1876, Boris Karloff, actor 1887, Miley Cyrus,actress 1992.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older woman is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

No sooner than they get out of the store, she leans over and says to the boy, "You know I've got an itchy pussy." The boy responds, "You'll have to point it out, lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me."

An airline pilot hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" The pilot said, "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidentally cut off all ten off his fingers. He went to the emergency room at the clinic and when he got there the doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's haf da fingers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I hafn't got da fingers."

The doctor cried, "Vhat do you mean, you hafn't got da fingers? Yumpin' yiminy! It's 2005! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds off incredible techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you bring da fingers?" Ole replied, "How da fock was I suppose to pick'em up?"

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads, "Go get help." She says, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with my shoe and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" A drunk sitting nearby looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I think it's too late, lady, he's too far in."

That's it for today my little turkey gobblers. Remember, a diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. It's Wednesday and a great evening to hit AREA 51 for happy hour tonight. Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends and readers. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, November 21, 2011

Surprise, Surprise ! The Super Congress Failed !

Let me preface today's entry by establishing the fact that Congress, with a 9% approval rating, is made up entirely of lying, thieving assholes. Of course, their are large assholes like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, but I digress. Congress failed to come up with a plan that would cut 1.2 trillion dollars over 10 years. Well, that about sums it up.

This evening and tomorrow, look for Obozo and all the other lying bastards to put their own particular spin on the failure and point fingers at everyone but themselves.

The News As I See It: Energy Secretary Stephen Chu testified before Congress yesterday that he thought it was a good idea to lend $535 million of our tax dollars to the solar panel company Solyndra right before they went bankrupt. If he'd taken all of that money, put it in a big pile and set it on fire, it would have produced more energy than Solyndra.

There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.

Herman Cain flubbed a question on Libya last week and then tried to cover by saying, "Oh, I thought you meant Libya Newton-John."

Vice President O'Biden was in New York recently for the second time in less than a week, just to see if he left his wallet at the M&M'S Store

Paris Hilton is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Paris's maximum capacity is 500 members.

This Date In History: 1783; With the Marquis d'Arlandes, Pilâtre de Rozier made the first free flight in a balloon, reaching a peak altitude of about 3,000 ft and traveling about 5 1/2 mi in 20 min. 1789; North Carolina became the 12th state. 1922 Georgia's Rebecca Felton was sworn into the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman U.S. Senator.

1934; Cole Porter's musical Anything Goes opened in New York City. 1969; For the first time since 1930, the U.S. Senate rejected a Supreme Court nominee, Clement Haynsworth. 1973; The 18 1/2 min gap in the Richard Nixon Watergate tapes was revealed. 1991; Egypt's Boutros Boutros-Ghali was chosen to become secretary-general by the UN Security Council.

Picture Of The Day: This picture has nothing to do with today's entry but I suddenly got a strong desire for a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) According to the Occupy Wall Street web site, demonstrators have scheduled events in New York until the year 2035, at which time they plan to retire and collect Social Security. 2) Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?" 3) A young man scolded me the other day for not paying attention to his question. I apologized and asked him if he had graduated from college. He scowled and said, "I majored in liberal arts." Then he said, "Will that be for here or to go?" 4) What kind of cruel, demented person put an "s" in lisp? 5) Just when I think I've won the rat race along come faster rats.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 21st: It's going to be a good week for you with Thanksgiving and whatnot. Skip Black Friday! It's not where you think it is. Romance is almost a given, especially Thanksgiving evening where chances are you either be taken out of pity or your intended paramour will fall asleep from the tryptophan in the turkey. Either way, it's an easy score.

Birthdays: It's a busy day for my friends' birthdays beginning with my sweetie-pie Tamara, my childhood friend, W.T. (Bill), the lovely Michelle, and the sweet and inimitable C.J. - Happy Birthday all ! 19XX.

Voltaire, French Philosopher and Author whose name was François Marie Arouet de Voltaire 1694, Hetty Green, financier 1834, Rene Magritte, painter 1898, Coleman Hawkins, jazz musician 1904, Stan Musial, baseball player 1920.

Goldie Hawn, actress 1945, Beryl Bainbridge, writer 1953, Tina Brown, magazine publisher 1953, Björk, singer, songwriter 1965, Troy Aikman, football player, TV commentator 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
The old woman said, "They're not hanging Wright tonight." The old man whirled around and screamed, "For the love of God woman, don't you ever stop?"

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources.

Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the coworker does and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What is sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jean and my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks the man, "What's going on?" The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car,
taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "On average, about a gallon."

TA terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. The investigator says, "Okay Simpson, you were near the scene, what happened?" Simpson says, "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

In horror, the investigator said, "He was smoking in the mixing room?" How long had he been with the company?" Simpson said, "About 20 years, sir" The investigator said, "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room. I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." Simpson said, "It was, sir."

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "It's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

That's it for today my little jitter bugs. Remember, in a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !