I Don't Need Glasses - I Drink Straight From The Bottle

Okay, I'm not blind, but my eyes aren't what they used to be. I wear glasses because I can't see far away or very close, but in that area where my eyeglass prescription kicks in, I can see better than a hawk wearing glasses.

What boggles my mind is how people with vision far worse than mine seem to go about life without complaining. Moreover, no matter how well I can see when the doctor corrects my vision with that stupid machine, I still can't see shit when I get new glasses.....unless what I'm looking at falls into that 10-12 foot area the size of the examination room.   

As a youth, I remember when it was said that you'd go blind if you did certain things in private. I figured I'd just go on until I needed glasses.

Of course, not being able to see completely clearly has its pros and cons. On the plus side, all the girls at the bar are prettier and the ones who don't see well seem to be attracted to me. On the negative side, it's a bitch trying to tie a lure on my fishing rod.

Overall, I guess I can't complain (although I intend to). Sometimes fuzzy and blurry are just as nice as a puppy or kitten.....or a racoon, as shown below in one of my favorite commercials.



The News As I See It: Hurricane Isaac is officially a Category 1 hurricane. It got so windy that gas stations needed three guys working outside — two to hold the ladder while the other guy climbed up to raise the gas prices.

Obama is seeking to make his case with first-time voters and I understand why. Second-time voters have graduated and can't find a job. Obama is brewing his own beer in the White House. Actually, White House beer is a lot like Obama — great buzz, weak finish.

The Republican convention was worried that it was going to be postponed or maybe completely canceled because of Hurricane Isaac. It was serious stuff. CNN was on full Blitzer.

Prince Harry ran around Las Vegas naked and Madonna was walking around naked in London. I think London got the better end of the deal.

Senator Harry Reid was asked him if Isaac reminded him of Katrina. He said, "I don't know, never even met the woman."

The Mars rover Curiosity took its first test drive on the surface of Mars. It traveled 15 feet. Apparently it wasn't that curious.
 

This Date In History: 1533; Atahualpa, the last ruler of the Incas, was murdered as Francisco Pizarro completed his conquest of Peru. 1786; Shays's rebellion, an insurrection of Massachusetts farmers against the state government, began. 1842; The Treaty of Nanking was signed, ending the Opium Wars and ceding the island of Hong Kong to Britain.

1877; Brigham Young died in Salt Lake City, Utah. 1949; The U.S.S.R. tested their first atomic bomb. 1957; Strom Thurmond ended the longest filibuster in U.S. Senate history. He spoke for more than 24 hours against a civil rights bill, which passed. 1966; The Beatles played their last major live concert at Candlestick Park, California.

1991; The Supreme Soviet, the parliament of the U.S.S.R., suspended all activities of the Communist Party, bringing an end to the institution. 2005; Hurricane Katrina slammed into the U.S. Gulf Coast, destroying beachfront towns in Mississippi and Louisiana, displacing a million people, and killing more than 1,000.

Picture Of The Day: I don't care what you say, that's funny !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Funny....I don't remember being absent-minded. 2) I have learned that as soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 3) Mid-life is when you start pondering the "big" questions like...What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? 4) Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated 5) I'm still playing with a full deck. I just shuffle slower these days. That's what happens when you hook up the golf course's sprinkler system to The Clapper before the tournament.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 29th: Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. Do you really want to be drinking 8 glasses a day with that track record? If you pick yourself up by your shoe-strings today you are likely to fall flat on your ass. Test yourself today by walking around semi-nude, but remember that this will affect your chance of romance. 

Birthdays: John Locke, English philosopher, founder of British empiricism 1632, Jean Auguste Ingres, painter 1780, Ingrid Bergman actress 1915, Charlie Parker musician 1920, Dinah Washington singer 1924, Slobodan Milosevic political leader 1941.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude." George replied, "Harriet, she's a prostitute." Harriet said, "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" George said, "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for "Bambi" to come to room 1217. George said, "Now, you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" Bambi said, "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. He said, "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must be a real hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." George said, "Well, I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."

The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and woman were having sexual problems and she asked him to see his doctor. The man said to his doctor, "I'm having trouble getting aroused."

The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "Did you talk it over with your wide?" The man nods is head. The doctor asks, "What did you decide?" The man says, "We're going to re-model the kitchen."

The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep. More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are you carrying puppies in there?" Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, "Why yes, yes they are." She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away, I'll take the one with the pink nose!"

That's it for today, my little cotton pickers. Remember, a mime will never give you bad advice. I'm going over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !