Friday, August 3, 2012
Was That You?
I believe that the Creator made two minor errors when creating man. I think that both urine and flatulent gas should be brightly colored. This would accomplish two things. It would a) identify the perpetrator and b) warn others of impending toxic exposure and singed nostril hair.
A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer. But just imagine if the color of the peepee was dayglow orange. Identification of the culprit would be rather easy unless the cowardly swimmer waited until he was standing in a group.
As for flatulence, methinks the escaping gas should be a bright maroon for non-lethal flatulence and a glowing purple for the more toxic flatulence known as "SBD" (Silent But Deadly), which is totally inaudible but causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Additionally, flatulence would discolor the perpetrator's clothing.
This would immediately identify the culprit in the a crowded elevator. The only possible drawback would be if a midget was directly in the line of fire of the flatulator, thus causing a slight discoloration of the his face.
As for me, these color codes, especially SBD purple, would have protected me from flatulence from both Brother Kirt and our dog Beanie, both of whom were cruel experts in the art of sitting down beside me and discharging SBD's.
The News As I See It: The newest Olympic scandal is that eight female badminton players were expelled for trying to lose on purpose. Tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton...unless they get invited to a picnic.
Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?
The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.
This Date In History: 1492; Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain. 1914; Germany declared war on France. 1923; Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th president of the United States, following the death of Warren G. Harding.
1949; The National Basketball Association was formed. 1958; The nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. 1981; U.S. air traffic controllers went on strike.
1987; A 22-cent stamp honoring author William Faulkner was issued. Its first-day cancellation was held in Oxford, Miss., where Faulkner had served as postmaster from 1921 until his resignation in 1924; following accusations of negligence. 1987; The Iran-Contra hearings ended.
Picture Of The Day: Have you ever wondered how some colleges come up with their school logo?
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I kind of feel bad for Obama. Look at the mess he's going to inherit if he gets re-elected. 2) My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge that read, "It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mom’s." So I checked the fridge. The light came on and the beer was cold. The fridge was working fine. I'm still not sure what the problem was. 3) The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. 4) Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 5) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 3rd: Commenting on a nearby person's "peaches" may not go down too well today. Avoid all sexy language in your lunch break. Try to avoid reading dusty old books that call themselves "tomes." Chance of romance is 35.91 percent.
Birthdays: My good pal "Jumpin' Johnny G" Garnett - Happy birthday, my friend! 19XX, Elisha Otis, inventor of the elevator 1811, Rupert Brooke, poet 1887, P. D. James, mystery novelist 1920, Tony Bennett, singer 1926, Martin Sheen, actor 1940, Martha Stewart, entrepreneur 1941.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The party was really rocking when the host asked a very attractive blonde if she would like another drink. The sexy blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
With that, the host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde coyly replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks, anyone can!"
A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.
His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll go you one better. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Paula and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.
A blonde went the library and stepped up to the desk. She said to the desk clerk, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a malt." The desk clerk said, "Shhh...this is a library."
The blonde said, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me." Then, the blonde leaned over close to the desk clerk and whispered, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a malt."
A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!"
That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.
That's it for today, my little bean sprouts. Remember, to steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. I'm off to AREA 51 for some wining and dining. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !