Wednesday, August 8, 2012
What's Your Name? Is It Mairy Or Sioux ?
Having seen many strange and misspelled first names, I have a plan. Before parents take their newborn babies home, they should Google the name. If the Google phrase "Did you mean.....?" comes up, there's a reasonable chance that mom and dad failed spelling class in school.
If the Google phrase "What were you thinking" or "Say what?" appears, chances are that mom and dad have a combined IQ of less than 120.
Many parents don't seem to think out the process of giving their child a first name. If the Johnson family thinks that "Johnny" is a wise choice or the Thompson parents think that "Tommy" sounds great, then the child will probably have a rough time growing up....unless Tommy Thompson hangs out with Johnny Johnson and Willie Williams.
Exotic names are a dime a dozen and have become so common place that any name ending "ica" is a relatively bad choice. Moreover, if you're going to get exotic, make sure you don't spell names like "Antoine" as "Antwon."
Oh, and by the way, Chardonnay and Lexus are not first names. The first is a green-skinned grape variety used to make white wine, originating in the Burgundy wine region of eastern France and the latter is a luxury automobile.
The News As I See It: I'm getting Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.
Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beaten by a trash-talking socialist horse from Kenya.
Just before his record-breaking 100 meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.
I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.
Olympic equestrian and sailing events are sports for people who grew up on the mean streets of Connecticut.
The Olympic games are into their second week and Greece is already 14 medals in debt.
The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him."
There's a feud going on between Elton John and Madonna. Elton John said Madonna looks like a fairground stripper. I don't know about you, but I hate to see two gay men fighting. What is a fairground stripper? Maybe I wasn't paying attention the last time I went to the fairground.
The movie "The Lorax" is out on DVD today. Danny DeVito is the title character. It's an oddly shaped hairy creature that resembles a small walrus. So is the Lorax.
This Date In History: 1588; English forces attacked the Spanish Armada, permanently crippling Spain's "invincible" fleet. 1786; Dr. Michael-Gabriel Paccard and Jacques Balmat became the first to climb Mont Blanc. 1876; Thomas Edison patented the mimeograph machine.
1900; The first Davis Cup tennis tournament began at the Longwood Cricket Club in Brookline, Massachusetts. 1963; In "The Great Train Robbery," some 15 thieves robbed the Glasgow-to-London mail train, making off with more than $6 million in cash.
1969; Sharon Tate, wife of director Roman Polanski, and four others were murdered by members of Charles Manson's "family." 1974; President Nixon announced he would resign the following day as a result of the Watergate scandal. 2008; The Summer Olympic Games opened in Beijing, China.
Picture Of The Day: My high school pal Wally has a recent addition to his family and her name is Ginger. He assures me that she is not spoiled, but I have my doubts.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. 2) I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. 3) An Arkansas man's front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. If the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 4) Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions. 5) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 8th: The Nigerian bank that is holding your email-friend's money does not exist, but don't fret. Word has it that you may have already won 10 million dollars from Publisher's Clearing House. Chance of romance is 45.25 percent but that's about the best odds you'll get this week.
Birthdays: Charles Bulfinch, architect 1763, Matthew Henson, arctic explorer 1866, Emiliano Zapata, Mexican revolutionary 1879, Sara Teasdale, poet 1884, Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, author 1896, Dustin Hoffman, actor 1937.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three boys were all in third grade; an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a Southern boy. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea and said, "I know, we can play, 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’." The southern boys said, "How do you play that?" The Spanish boy, "It's easy. We can play it next recess."
When recess time came, the three boys went outside. The Spanish boy said, "Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner.
The Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the Southern boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. They both said, "You win for sure."
Later that day the Southern boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?" The boy said, "Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a southern boy." His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
A little country boy was sitting on the curb with a quart of turpentine, shaking it all up and watching all the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the little boy what he was doing. The little boy replied, "Well, I'm a just shakin' the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water." If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."
The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a young rocker girl entered. The patient had streaked blond hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass."
After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, we had to mow the lawn."
A blonde and a brunette were in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde replies, "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
Three women escaped from prison, a blonde and two brunettes. To get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around, so they hid in them.
When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" His partner replies, "Kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding."
The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunette in it and she yells, "Meow!" The officer said, "Its just a stupid cat in there." He kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, "Ruff! Ruff!" The officer says, "It's a stupid dog!" He kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "Potatoes!"
That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, a friend is a person who hears the song in your heart and sings it to you when your memory fails. Before I forget, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !