Friday, August 24, 2012
Make Up Your Mind Isaac So We Know How To Dress !
Tropical storm Isaac doesn't seem to be able to make up his mind as to where he's going. I don't see that as a big deal as the same thing has happened to me many times in AREA 51 bars.
Isaac's pending arrival comes twenty years to that day in 1992 when Hurricane Andrew ravaged South Florida, which at the time, was the costliest hurricane in United States history. Andrew destroyed about 25,524 homes and damaged 101,241 others in Miami-Dade County. 44 fatalities were reported in the State of Florida, alone.
Nike is coming out with a $350 pair of sneakers. Do you know how many convenience stores you have to rob to make that kind of money? Nike has an explanation for the reason these shoes are so expensive. They said the kids in China making the shoes are demanding two cents a day now. The shoes are perfect for when you're walking back to Chicago.
It's been nine months since Regis Philbin retired from the "Live with Regis and Kelly" show and Kelly Ripa is finally getting a new co-host. Ex NFL player Michael Strahan has signed on as Ripa's new partner and is slated to appear on the show September 4th.
The show has gone downhill since Regis left and adding Strahan is ridiculous. Maybe they're hoping to jump on the Obama advertising syndrome being used in commercials by the Madison Avenue advertising gurus.
The News As I See It: They're worried that Tropical Storm Isaac could hit Florida during next week's Republican convention, but Florida is ready for it. Thanks to Obama's economic policies, many businesses down there are already boarded up.
Mitt Romney and Tropical Storm Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment.
Joe Biden is going to the Republican convention to try to cause problems for Mitt Romney. Then after that, he's going to the Democratic convention where he will definitely cause problems for Obama.
The theme for the Republican National Convention is "Room Service and Hookers." Maybe that's why there are so many secret service agents there.
The Mars rover "Curiosity" has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. If we're on the surface of Mars, aren't we the UFO?
According to a new study, eating egg yolks after the age of 40 is as bad for you as smoking. Let me tell you something. If you are stupid enough to eat a 40-year-old egg yolk, you get what you deserve.
At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, he said, "I'd trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona." To which President Obama said, "Deal!"
Todd Akin, the moron Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are "legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant." Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected.
In a new interview, Michelle Obama said she doesn’t have time to read "Fifty Shades of Grey." It got weird when she added, "Again."
This Date In History: 79; Mount Vesuvius erupted and buried the towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum. 1572; 70,000 French Protestants, or Huguenots, were killed in the St. Bartholomew's Day massacre.
1814; The British set fire to the White House and the Capitol when they invaded Washington, DC during the War of 1812. 1821; Mexico gained its independence from Spain with the Treaty of Cordoba.
1949; The North Atlantic Treaty went into effect. 1968; France became the world's fifth nuclear power as it exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific. 1989; Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling.
1991; Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the general secretary of the Communist Party after a failed coup attempt against him. 1992; Hurricane Andrew hit Florida, causing record damage.
Picture Of The Day: Whoo?
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. That's why I stay home where it's a man-eat-chocolate world. 2) I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke. 3) Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. 4) I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. 5) Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 24th: The media will try to control your life today - don't fall for it. Everything you've ever felt about anything will be tested today during some troubling moment in which you'll learn something about anything or everything. When faced with life's problems you generally prefer to stride in with both boots kicking. However, today's "life problem" is that you will step in dog shit. No chance of romance with your boots in that condition.
Birthdays: William Wilberforce politician and humanitarian 1759, Theodore Parker theologian and social reformer 1810, Felix Mottl conductor 1856, Jorge Luis Borges poet and critic 1899, Steve Guttenberg actor, producer 1958, Cal Ripken, Jr. baseball player, 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
I asked my lady friend to get me a newspaper. she said, "Don't be silly. You can borrow my I-Pad." That damned spider never new what hit him!
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions!
A flat chested young lady went to Doctor Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Doctor Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his crotch and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."
Juanito, the milkman, was on his deathbed, surrounded by his wife, daughter and son. As he lay dying, he began to recount the inheritance he planned to pass on to his family.
He said to his oldest son, "Pedro, to you, I bequeath all of my houses to the north and south." Juanito said to his second son, "Carlito, you will have all of my office buildings."
Juanito said to his daughter, "Maria, my only daughter, I give to you all of my apartments." He said to his wife, "My darling, I leave to you the skyscraper in the city."
The nurse overheard the discourse and said to Juanito's wife, "It's wonderful your husband is so rich. He's giving away so many properties." Without missing a beat, the wife responded, "Rich? Hah! He's dividing up his milk route."
That's it for today, my little Hershey bars. Remember, always be an optimist....at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral. If things work out with Isaac, I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !