Friday, August 31, 2012
Rollback - Aisle 2
I go shopping at Wal-Mart when there are good sales. I also go there when I'm feeling down because afterwards, I always feel like my life isn't as bad as I thought. It's fun because I always see people wearing weird clothes. Lot of tube tops there, but tube tops are not for everyone. I mean, even a tire has a pressure limit.
There are a lot discoveries to be made at Wal-Mart. A lot of my favorite music is in the bargain bin there. Although I prefer the first young lady at the top of the page, I'm usually confronted by the one below.
The News As I See It: A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.
I can't wait to see the debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the strategy that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate.
Hurricane Isaac didn't threaten the Republican convention, but to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter.
According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist, which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs for them.
The White House is now brewing its own beer. Republicans say the White House beer is actually pretty good. Just don't drink the Kool-Aid.
Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word "I" 37 times, "Romney" 7 times, and "jobs" only once. Then there was the 622 times he said the words "ham and cheese."
MTV has announced this will be the last season of "Jersey Shore." So I guess we'll never know if they learn to walk upright.
Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do.
According to The New York Times, Iraq now loves American fast food. They hate us but they love our fast food. This is how we work. We force democracy on them and then we sneak in morbid obesity.
This Date In History: 1887; Thomas Edison received a patent for his "Kinetoscope" and moving pictures were born. 1888; Mary Ann Nicholls, considered to be Jack the Ripper's first victim, was found murdered in London. 1962; Trinidad and Tobago gained independence from Great Britain.
1980; Poland's Solidarity labor movement had its beginnings when an agreement ending a 17-day strike was signed in Gdansk. 1994; Russia officially ended its military presence in the former East Germany and the Baltic states. 1997; Princess Diana and her companion Dodi al-Fayed were killed in a car accident in Paris.
Picture Of The Day: "So, I said to my buddies, Let's build some houses here. How hard can it be?"
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As students return to campus, remember that college is a fountain of knowledge and students are there to drink. 2) For those waiting for me to go out of my mind. It may take longer as the exits are not clearly marked. 3) Sex is like software. For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free. 4) Moths are really butterflies after they've removed their makeup. 5) I hate it when your girlfriend asks you to hold her purse and it doesn't match what you're wearing.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 31st: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, "A man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic table." (Huh?). Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer. Drinking alcohol may help, as well. Try to wear the underwear with the really strong elastic if you go out tonight.
Birthdays: My pal Pat in the U.K. - Happy Birthday young lady! 19XX, Georg Jensen, silversmith 1866, Maria Montessori, Italian educator and physician 1870, Wilhelmina, queen regnant of the Kingdom of the Netherlands 1880, Alan Jay Lerner, lyricist and librettist 1918, Itzhak Perlman, concert violinist 1945, Van Morrison, singer, songwriter 1945, Richard Gere, actor 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked, "How much for the teapot?" Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" Mary Louise replied, "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy.
Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for that teapot!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Roadway truck driver is driving east on Route 66 and he sees another truck driving west. The CB crackles to life and a voice "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest assholes in America?" The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother.
The Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke. Tell it to the next truck you see."
The Roadway driver goes for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says, "Hey trucker, do you know who the two biggest assholes in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He asks, "What's your name?" She says, "Carmen." He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?" She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says, "Beertits."
Two guys, Stuart and Robert, were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Robert replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
That's it for today, my little guppies. Remember, a relationship is the period of time between "I love you" and "Everything you do pisses me off". I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !